Black Phoenix
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2002-10-04 21:05:55 (UTC)


What keeps a person going? Over and over I've heard that
it's a mixture of hope, faith, goals and love. I'm not
going to argue with that. For the moment, I will accept
that people run on this. So then, what keeps me going? I
have no hope. Hope is a broad thing, though. Hope in what?
What do people have hope in that would make them grind
through the tortures of our world? I don't know. I don't
have hope. There is nothing to hope for.

Hope is often associated with faith. So, what do people
have faith in? God? I won't talk about God. There are
enough atheists nowadays that they much have faith in
something else, else they would have none. What can we have
faith in anymore? The downward spiral of humanity doesn't
allow us to reliably have faith in anyone else, and usually
not in ourselves either.

Goals. This I know about. People often have goals to look
forward to. They have the admirable goal of "do well at
work", or perhaps "save enough money to go to China". Does
this keep them going? The will to accomplish something so
simple? Surely people must have greater goals than
this. "Retire to Malibu". There's a big goal. One you could
spend your whole life doing. But for what? So you can live
in an area that have an average temperature 15 degrees
higher than before? If people truely find purpose in these
sort of trivialities, I can only allow myself to hate them
all the more.

Love. Love, the most powerful force in the universe. The
binding emotion that permits us to live together for years
on end in bliss and joy. Love, so powerful that it stops us
from building weapons of mass destruction. So powerful that
it can inhibit economic wars, it makes the murder rate in
the country %0, it helps our suicidal teenagers find
happiness in a world that treads on them so willingly. Yes,
love surely is a driving force behind us all. Love for
ourselves. Love so deep that we will ruin another persons
life in order to convinience ourselves. I believe love
drives us all forward in our lives. Love also pillages and
destroys the fragile emotions of our fellow man, allowing
us each to prosper at their expense.

So, I have no hope. I have faith in nothing. My goals are
fuzzy and incoherant. But I do love myself enough to kill
anyone who would anger me. But does this drive me? No. The
desire to destroy those that vex and hurt me does not drive
me, nor do the phantoms of success that I chase.

I don't know what makes me go. I could say that it is
nothing more than dogged determination. But what am I
determined to do? To live? No. To hurt? Possibly.

I am driven to be reborn, and to overcome the atrocities of
the keepers of the earth.

And so the scars accumulate.

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