sex kitten

life of a porn star
2001-07-30 21:10:09 (UTC)

this is how it feels...

this is how it feels to be fucked up. hmm the other night i
had really bad nightmares. the first one was that
frankenstien was going around slicing people up with his
bare hands and there were guts everywhere. then i had a
dream that i was at school and someone had a gun and was
running around killing people- more blood. the next dream
was the worst. i was at school and these kids were on the
roof and they were dying. when the babies would die they
would throw them off the roof and they made a sick noise
when thay hit the ground. then i had a dream that i was on
a plane and it crashed.- that one was jareds fault i think.
so as you can see i have not been sleeping well lately. i
wake up and cry because of these nightmares. its weird i
dont like to think about bad things but i cant get them out
of my head. i feel perfectly fine and all of a sudden i
start thinking -kill yourself. i never would though.then i
found out that my ex bf has a new gf. i really loved him
and knowing that he is happy with someone else makes me
feel sick. i bet she is really pretty-ugh. then the last
thing that is ruining my day is that i was reading peoples
web pages and i used to be on most of them but i have
drifted away from everyone and now i feel invisible. i am
floating around like a ghost. i think this is what it would
be like if i was dead. eventually i would be erased and
replaced.
so on to the last problem. i am still in love/infatuated with
the same guy that i have been all summer. it breaks my heart bc i am
still afraid to talk to him sorta- and i am nothing to him, while he
consumes all of my thoughts. it sucks bc if i did tell him how i feel
it would be like-"well i think your great too but i dont think it
would work out" then i would feel like shit and i would never be able
to talk to him and then i would lose him all together- ive lost
enough people already lately. - sigh so i am going to go cry some
more and sleep and then im sure i will feel better - peace and love -
stephi