The Story of Me
2001-07-30 20:35:06 (UTC)

Gotta love being single.

So you haven't called in two weeks. That I can handle. The
fact that you told me that you wanted a relationship with
me when in fact you didn't know what the hell you
wanted...I could have looked past that. I could have worked
with you on that if you wanted. But the fact that you have
to ignore me, screen your phone calls so you don't have to
talk to me, and you don't have the courtesy to say goodbye
to me when you leave in 2 days and are taking off to Cosovo
soon. That hurts. The fact that you can't face me. Did you
think that I was going to be upset with you? Yeah, I am.
I'm hurt more than I am upset because I believed in you. I
believed that we could have had a good relationship. I
didn't think that you would hurt me. I've known you for a
long time now. And you are the one that pursued this
thing...having a relationship with me. And I'm not going to
put any of the blame on me this time. I've done that for
far too long. I don't know what your ex-girlfriend did to
you, but I'm not her. I don't want to even be compared to
her. To actually think that I let myself care for you, even
a little bit...but there are too many "if only's" there. I
don't want to get into it...I hope that you work through
things. I wish that I were there to help you with that, but
you have shunned me, so I'm not going to pretend anymore.
You hurt me. You were the first person that I allowed
myself to care enough for to even try again at this
relationship thing. But you did like all of the others did.
Oh well. I'll get over it, I always do.

I only wish that I could say these things to him, to his
face. But I am reduced to writing down my thoughts in a
journal. Maybe I will tell him. Maybe I need to tell him,
and I think that he should hear what I have to say. I'm not
going to bitch, but I want him to listen to me. So if I
have to go to where he hangs out every night, and drag him
away from his friends for 10 minutes to do that, I will.
And if he refuses that, I have no problem bringing it up
with everyone there either. It's all part of closure, and I
haven't gotten a lot of it in the past, so there is no time
like the present to start. Kristy had me take some prozac
last night to help me calm down. I don't even know how it
works or how it's supposed to make me feel. But I don't
feel like crying, and I don't feel mad. I don't feel at all
like I did last night. That is definately good. It's
amazing, two weeks ago I was saying how happy I was. It was
Kristy & Rusty and Tracey & Nate. It was great. So last
night I was talking about how miserable I am. Life is funny
that way huh? But instead of feeling sorry for myself, I
just made jokes out of it. I told Kristy that in the whole
12 hours that Nate and I were "together" I must have done
something to piss him off in my sleep. She laughed at that
one. So did I. I didn't mean it to come out as bitter as I
said it. But you know. It's no big deal. After tonight I
will wash my hands of the whole situation and be done with
it. Maybe someday I will be able to have a conversation
with him without feeling betrayed by him. Maybe someday....

More later...if I'm in the mood to write.

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