Black Phoenix
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2002-10-04 05:27:40 (UTC)

Hiding in Flesh

So here I am again, sitting here and watching the pitiful
exchanges between the patrons of the chatroom. I can't
believe that people like this exist, really. They disgust
me, but naturally I don't tell them. I never say anything.

Why do people always sing about love? I discovered a new
band, much like Colombus discovered the Americas, and am
downloading songs off Kazaa by them. I liked their music,
until I looked at DarkLyrics to see all their lyrics. As it
turns out, quite a few of their songs involve love. This is
why they are not my favorite band. I hate songs about love,
just as I hate people who are in love, or seeking to be. It
amazes me to think that someone would be so weak as to be
devastated by the parting of another person from their
lives. Reliance on people is weakness. People are so
pathetic, so meaningless, so narrow minded. You can't rely
on them. This is where another problem arises. I am a
person, for the moment, thus making myself unreliable. I
try to kill that part of myself, but for the moment it is
here. So, if I am a person, I can't rely on myself, can I?
No, I can't. I can't rely on anyone, then.

This is why I must kill myself inside.

But then, is reliance a human instinct? Is to rely on
someone to be human? Lose lose situation. If it is human to
have a need for reliance, then I suppose I have to choose
the lesser evil. So, rely on myself. The less human I am,
the more I kill my insides, the more I can rely on myself.


I came upon a revalation today. I forget when. I think it
was when I was sitting in this one Greek restaurant with my
father and his girlfriend. I know I wear a mask. That's
obvious. I also know that I haven't succeeded in my goal of
self destruction and rebirth. But I didn't put the two
together. The mask is my humanity. I have to act human in
order to lead a convinient life in society, in order to
function in an acceptable way. So, if my humanity is a
mask, does this mean that the mask must die? This would be
a good thing; it would uplift my faultering ideals. It
would mean that behind the mask I am pure. Nothing but the
dead husk of my former self filled with unrestrained
contempt and hatred. It means that the last step to my
decay would be the removal of this unwanted mask, my
humanity. Then I can begin again, with the knowlage
accumulated from the expiriences I've had in the distopia
of society. The knowlage gained from the scars that
humanity started, and I finished. Then I will be reborn.

And so the scars accumulate.

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