Bitch Session
2001-07-30 16:02:59 (UTC)

Need a Do-Over

Yeah, it'd be nice to be able to start the whole weekend
over again. I'd start at friday night......

I'd had a shitty friday. My back was just on the VERGE of
going out most of the day. Didnt do anything to it
really. Just woke up with it that way. So, I hung out
around here and did some reading, but also did the usual BS
grind that has to be, dishes, etc. He
had really wanted to go out to the movies. It was opening
night for planet of the apes and he'd been dying to go.
But, late in the day he decided we should stay at home
since my back was bad and he expressed concern over that
and his need to take care of me and make sure I was
alright. So that was cool.

What does he do? Gets home and comes to greet me with a
quick kiss. Then heads off to the computer for 3 hours.
He'd had a really miserable week at work....working through
the previous weekend on-call, even though we had his kids
over. The work week had really been hard on him. So I was
cool with him needing time to himself....but I felt
like...Dont pay me the fucking lip service and make it out
to be that you're so concerned you want to come home to
take care of me and be with me and then go sit at the damn
computer for 3 hours! If you want to hang on the computer
then dont tell me you want to be with ME.

Then it was my weekend to work. I hate my weekends at work
and he's off, but he does need some time to himself and
deserves that too. Saturday was ok at work. We really
werent all that busy for most of the day. He and I chatted
over the computer a little bit in the AM and he said he'd
do lunch with me at work...."as always." (We live just
across the street from my job big deal really)Well,
when lunchtime came, nobody would decide what/where to eat
and my co-worker was STARVED so I said I'd go ahead out and
get lunch for everyone. I came over here to see what he'd
like. But then he expected me to go pick it up and bring it
back to him cause he wasnt coming to eat lunch with me.
Was into his computer stuff and just not ready to leave the
house. I did end up bringing his lunch back here for him,
was picking up ours anyway, and he's right across the
street. But we'd had a little TIF over that whole scene.
I'd decided to let it go and do the loving thing for
him....bring him his lunch and let it go. He was
appreciative and said he'd come over and visit with me a
little later. All was cool.

But he never came over. And I never heard from him the
rest of the day. He always calls me several times during
the day....when he's at WORK and either bored or driving
around between jobs. So that's our usual....we talk
several times during the day. Usually not about much but
always little reinforcments of our love. So I was kinda
disappointed. Not only that he didnt come over to see me
at work, also that he didnt even call the rest of the day.
I wrote him an e-mail shortly before quitting time to see
if he was still ALIVE over here and kinda said something
about not hearing from him. No response to that. So, when
I got home, he greeted me at the the buff! LOL
It wasnt necessarily a SEXY gesture, just that he hadnt
gotten dressed all day cause he'd hung out at the computer
and taken the day OFF...which he deserved...that was cool.
But after kissing him at the door I said something about
his not calling all day. Well, that did it! I was just the
big BITCH again. He walks away in disgust and says this
shit about my bitching and complaining. I was kinda
like....WTF??? I just said one thing about not hearing
from him, but that one thing was too much. Yeah, it was a
sucky way for me to come home and start our evening
together...I later admitted that and truly apologized for
it too, but there really was no getting over it at that
point. He got pissed at me and copped his attitude and
that was that.

I went to the bedroom where he'd retreated and tried to
engage with him. Tried to be a little playful. And I
admitted that I was a little PMS'y, which is a HUGE
admission to me cause I feel like everything always gets
blamed on a woman's fucking PERIOD! But I DID say that I
felt a little edgy cause of that. (My way of asking him
for a little extra understanding at that point ok? I felt
in need of a little extra attention and loving) But man,
did I blow it! That one comment from when I'd walked in
the door was brought up and thrown in my face 3 more times
that evening when we'd kinda see-saw back and forth in our
efforts to be loving. He brought it back up again and
again, blaming me, and not taking any responsibility for
his little pot-shots and jabs back at me...including
being "DISGUSTED" at the sight of a little blood in my
panties when I undressed. I reminded him he hadnt found it
so disgusting a couple nights ago when he went down and ate
it. He was like....? And I said yeah, I'd been
spotting...often am when we have sex and he never knows,
never cares. Thanks for feeling DISGUST at my natural
bodily functions that are a part of my being a WOMAN and
that I have no control over!

How did this night ever end??? Well, eventualy we were on
the couch watching TV together...both pretty tired. He's
lying behind me making playful little sexual moves on me,
but nothing to really START anything. He finally says he
thinks I need to give him a blow-job. I responded
with...yeah? and THEN what? (something to that effect,
asking what I'd get back....) and he said nothing, he'd
just go to sleep. Now this was all intended as a JOKE. And
I knew that. Then on the way to the bedroom when we DID go
to bed a few minutes later, he mentions something about his
side-job he had coming up the next day. And made some
other little JOKE about taking that money and getting a BJ
with it instead of bringing it home. YES, it was another
JOKE. But still a bit offensive, especially in light of
his suggestion minutes before that I perform as his
personal whore and blow him and expect nothing in return.
So, ANYWAY...we laid in bed a little bed, kinda snuggling,
sleepy. And he rolls on his back and puts his leg over
mine and kinda gyrates with the hips some, trying to get my
attention to turn to THERE. SO what do you think I did in
light of the previous 2 comments? Well no. In fact, I
indulged him and gave him what he wanted. Yep, sure did!
So afterward, I kinda turned on my side away from him cause
I knew he didnt really want to reciprocate...that had been
the whole starting point. But he pulled me back
over...began stroking me. Then asked for my pocket-
vibe...then for me to scoot down so he could reach better
from where he was lying with his head on the pillow, eyes
closed. So he's doing this...I'm getting turned on...he
makes an occasional sound for me...(knows I'm turned on by
his sound effects) and I'm watching him...looking at his
eyes, which are closed except for the occasional glimpse.
So, eventually, I'm not into it anymore. I just kinda feel
like he's doing this out of OBLIGATION really, and nothing
else. So i just move his hand away. He says WHAT? So I
just said something about how I felt like he could at least
watch me to be alittle more involved and how that turns me
on so much. Well, he blows up. Rolls over and says forget
it. Then when I get him to turn back to me he's yelling at
me about how I ruined this whole night when I walked in the
door bitching. Yes, we're back, AGAIN, at the beginning of
the night. We had tried to move PAST that.....3 times in
fact. I'd already taken responsibility for it, apologized
for it and begged his forgiveness for us to be able to move
on with it and be loving toward each other. 3 TIMES we'd
already covered that ground....(but I get this morning from
him how he "NEVER holds a grudge")....I tried to point out
to him that he'd picked at me all night...made little
sarcastic comments and I just hadnt been in the mood for
em. But I'm supposed to "lighten up!" Well I'm fucking
SORRY!!! Give me back a little bit of fucking
understanding ok? I was edgy, I wasnt into the sarcastic
shit. I was needing a bit of loving attention. Whatever.
So this blows up into a HUGE fight at midnight. We're in
bed screaming at each other...and it's all MY fucking fault
for walking in that evening "bitching." Give me a break!
I'd already OWNED that shit. I'd admitted it, apologized
for it, and certainly paid the fucking price for it. But it
was still a goddam issue.

Well, sleep didnt come easy that night. I got less than 3
hours. Got up sunday and went to work for a MISERABLE day
there. 12 hours in the ER where we were slammed and I'm
totally IN CHARGE and having to play the smoothe-out person
alllll dayyyyy longggg! MISERABLE day and I came home
totally exhausted. I just needed to be able to turn to h
im and have him hold me for a few minutes and love me and
help me to replenish. I couldnt get that from him. He had
to watch his fav TV show....SIMPSONS, UGH! Begged for me
to come watch with him, which I did. Then as SOON as it
was over he jumped up to leave the room to head for the
computer. We'd talked about seeing the movie, which was
what he REALLY wanted to do. So I'd said fine, we'd go. He
had to do his time-sheet for work on the computer before we
could go to the movie. I sat with him in there for a sec
and asked for a "MINUTE" of his loving attention. But got
denied. he HAD to do this timesheet NOW! So I walked away
and busied myself with picking up around here a little
before time to go. Then when it IS time, he's waiting for
me in the kitchen and when I walk in, he asks me what my
problem is. I just looked at him incredulously. Then when
he still didnt get it i asked what HE THOUGHT my problem
was. Well, shit. Why couldnt I just answer the fucking
question? Why do I have to just turn into some fucking
BITCH? I was just TIRED for Christ's sake. But why couldnt
I just TELL him that he says. Cause I figured that'd be
plenty fucking OBVIOUS to him and I'd expect that he could
realize what I needed after even ASKING him for a goddam
MINUTE of his attention! But no. This blew into another
argument about how I'm such a bitch and he's such an
asshole. He says obviously he IS just the asshole who never
can do ANYTHING right blah, blah, blah. Could I get him
for a SECOND to take responsibility for any of it? Hell no!
None of it is his fault at's just ME being totally
unreasonable and an unrelenting needy bitch. His resolve to
end the argument? FINE, he'll resolve to give me ALL his
attention EVERY minute that we're home together in the
future. This is just sarcastic bullshit huh? Give me a
break! That is NOT what i'm seeking...I only asked for a
goddam MINUTE!!! WTF???????

So today, I'm trying to let all this go. This journal is
my's my way to get it all out...hence the name!
But I'm just left feeling like shit after all this. I'm
supposed to just LET IT GO he says. How do I do that when
I feel there's no resolve and no understanding from him of
what I need? He says to me today that he "never carries a
grudge" but how can he say that when he DID carry that
grudge saturday night from the minute I fucked up with my
bitchiness when I walked in the door? He DID carry a grudge
about that....ALLLLLL NIGHT! He suggests to me today that I
come spend the day with him. Well this would be lovely.
I'd LOVE to do that. and I WOULD do that...if I thought
we'd be loving with each other all day. But somehow I dont
think that's how it would go. I'd love to go hang out with
him while he did his work just to be with him and us be
together...even after he couldnt give me the fucking time
to have LUNCH with me 2 days ago! Even after he couldnt
give me a goddam MINUTE of his time last night! But
then....I guess I'm the true grudge-holder huh? Wonder why
that is.......???

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