2002-10-02 05:18:04 (UTC)

ask me if i care, i got the answer here...i wrote it down somewhere...i just have to find it...

good night. good day. good me right now.

ani is playing and i cant think of one other thing i would
rather be doing at this exact moment in time in my life
than sitting her and listening to her words and writing my

i went to dennys tonight and talked with ryan.
i got into all sorts of shit about my father.
probably a bad thing sometimes i feel bad for the people i
sit across from at random locations rambling and most
likely not make much sense to anyone beside myself
but he listens and hes there and that was a good thing

shawn came by and said hi. im realizing more and more how
i just really cant think of anything to say around him. i
dont know why. i guess its just the fact that we used to
be close. and now. were just not. life works that way
though. and tonight im not having a problem dealing with

i went to college night. i called sandy and talked to her.
she remembers so much about us its crazy. i knew i was
there with her which is why i called besides the fact that
i just wanted to talk to someone. our six month
anniversary we spent there. lol. funny that would be
something that we would have done on something as
significant as that. lol crazy shit man...its good that i
can look back on it and it makes me smile. it really does.
i love that girl. we werent meant to be. thats extremly
obvious. and a lot of times she can make me mad. same for
her with me i assume. but i do hold a special place for
her, always will. =) im just glad that it makes me smile
now, happy memories man. thats what its all about.

i do not regret anything ive ever done in my life. as
fucked up as i have been and as many people as ive hurt
and as many times as ive hurt myself.

its all good man.
its just all good.


"you cant really place blame, cuz blame is much to messy."

you say it ani.

so i did something which could possibly be extremly
masochistic. but...
i called my house tonight.
and i asked my dad out to lunch tomorrow.

his response was "why"

and you know.
i really didnt know what to say to that.
i dont really know.

maybe this will end in another failed attempt of mine to
create some sort of understanding or closure with myself
as far as our nonexistant relationship is concerned.

but you know.

at least i have tried you know.
i can say i did my damnest after all is said done, or not
said and when it comes completly undone.

call me stubborn.
or stupid.

i dont care.

its what i want to do right now and tomorrow.

if its a mistake, it will not be the first ive made with
good intentions, and undoubtly not the last i will make.

god i really seriously am in love with ani difranco.
i wonder if she has a middle name...

"its not fate, its just...circumstance. i dont fool myself
with romance."

hm. maybe i should follow that sometimes.

lol who fucking knows.

answers answers

i need so many

and the more i search for them
the less i find
i thought a yes would fix this...
i thought maybe
your voice would wake me
from this constant state of nothing
that has been my case for so long

i find now that not even knowing
makes me care any more
or less for that matter

goodbyes said in turn
wait a minute. a year. three.
im sure your numbers coming soon.

~it just takes time baby~

undress yourself
and come to sleep
come to bed
and stay a week

i couldnt fathom ever being you
sometimes i wish it was that easy
i wish you were as easy
as i have made myself

but youre not.
and i wont
hold on

effort vs content

thats what she said to me
i was the later
but what are you
to me

right and wrong this and that
all i know is how i feel
all i can give you
is all that i am.
i cant pretend anymore.
to be what you need

and BLAHBLAHBLAH goes me in the middle of the night with
too much coffee in me and not enough sleep.