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Takin out the Trash
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2002-10-02 02:57:36 (UTC)

The Teenage Years- Whoever said it was the time of your life...was majorly wrong,

Wow, I don't even know where to start. This has been going
on since last spring...at least. It all really started
before this.

I've been everything that my parents have wanted for
me...especially my mom. My mom and I were like best friends-
which I've now come to see is not really possible. You
cannot be friends and one of you have the upperhand. It
just doesn't work.

Last year...I grew up. And some people tell me I did in a
good way, and others in a bad. It's like I'm caught in
between two different worlds. I used to be this shy little
teenager, who got all of her homework done, and went to
dance class. That was my life. Nothing in there was really
social. So, at the end of my freshmen year- I made the
cheer squad. Woah..you know what that means. My
introduction to a life! I all of a sudden knew that
drinking, drugs, sex, parties...it all existed! WOW! And
you know what? All of a sudden I had a senior
boyfriend,...a jerk...but I didn't know any better.Anyway-
I'd all of a sudden "transitioned." I felt important.

So the results of this transition? My priorities changed. I
lost my interest in being at the dance studio every living
moment I had extra, and I told myself it was ok if I didn't
feel like doing my homework. I let myself drink...I've to
this day never smoked...and my sexual life is mine...leave it at
that...
Basically...I learned that I don't have to follow the
structure. I don't have to be perfect. I can experiment. I
can live! ...however I please. I have choices. I learned
that my parents weren't always right...and I really don't
agree with everything they say. I just try to please them
sometimes.

I've learned that I can get caught up in the friendship I
used to have with them...when I need to be selfish
sometimes and stand up for myself. This made my whole
family resent me. They couldn't believe that I would defy
them or that I'd lie.

In the midst of this, a breakup finally occured with the
boyfriend, and I fell in love with his best friend.
Yes...very typical. But I mean it- I fell in love. And I
don't care if that sounds dumb when I'm at the age I am.
It's more real than I can explain. Anyway- he's been my
support through all of this...which I find amazing.

Right now...I'm caught up in the fact that I hate coming
home. I want to grow up so badly! I'm sick of depending on
my parents. It's like a competition or a game between my
mom and I. I want to feel like I can function without
them...and you know what- I can. I just have to function
differently than I'm used to.I just am sick of wasting my
time and energy on all of this. We've gone to counseling.
And maybe it worked...but I don't feel like its me. That
sounds dumb...but I have a ton of people supporting me.
Adults, friends, parents, school counselors...they've
assured me I'm not going crazy. I'm legitimate. I just
don't know how to live through this year and the next. I'm
focused on how much I want to get out of here, and look
back at them and see that I'm not needing them at all. In
the mean time...I'm crying every night- and I can't sleep.
I don't know what to do.


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