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2001-07-29 21:38:37 (UTC)

Are You Here?

Last night was rough. I was having trouble sleeping so I
went downstairs to check on Kelly, it was cold and she
wasnt covered up and I didnt want to move her so I went
upstairs and got my purple throw over blanket and put it on
her then all of a sudden I see her arms go out and hear her
soft voice say goodnight Auntie Brenda, then with a hug and
a kiss she was off to sleep again.

It was just the cutest thing. Put a smile on my face, but
that wouldnt last long because as much as I try to clear my
head and not think about anything, feelings float back,
memories float back, and it tears me apart.

This sucks, I hate that it eats me up inside the way that
it does but with what happened with Kelly, well it made me
think about my father and how I would give anything for him
to be able to tuck me in at night when I was growing up for
him to give me a hug and a kiss. For him to just be here.

Just to hold me. I would give anything just to wrap my arms
around him and just breath him in. Its been 13 years since
he died. I have memories but just three. Pictures, that I
have of him keep dissapearing. There her's. What the hell
use to her are my fathers pictures?

It's all I have of him and yet I can't have them. I have a
picture he made up on my wall, I still have his pool
trophey in my closet. The frog Im sure is in the attic.

I cried for hours last night just thinking about him, my
mother, how there are no answers. How someone MUST have
them but no one answers them and it angers me, I feel so

I know what the next tattoo Im going to get is going to be.
I have a picture of us, its going on my back. Then at
least, I can somewhat have him with me forever. Etched in
my skin, no one can take that away from me. NO ONE.

I love you Dad xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox [x] infinity.

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