jtdarkly

Mirror's Infinity
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2001-01-22 04:43:58 (UTC)

A friend of mine recently..

A friend of mine recently showed me her diary...in some
ways I don't understand why people would want to display
their most personal thoughts for all the world to see, but
in some ways I guess it is like group therapy. Well, with
that in mind I guess I should the more typical therapy
intro. Hi. You can call me JT. I am 26 year old gay male
currently in a relationship that has lasted ...slightly
over 2 years. I live near toledo ohio. Why am I
writing...well I guess in some ways I think I should. I
feel I have been losing myself...my creative self and that
maybe this might help me rediscover that part of me. I am
the typical 'older' gay guy with a peter pan complex. I am
embittered because I came out at 23 which by gay standards
is 'just about dead'. I hate that. I still think of
myself as 17..ok maybe 20. I can't help that. Most of my
friends are younger than me. They are probably all under
25. I have a few older friends, but I just get along
better with younger people. And yes I love to look at
younger guys. Ohhh I suppose that is another
problem...well so I don't seem like a total jerk maybe I
should tell you about my relationship, because in some ways
that is why I am writing. I have bee in a 2 year
relationship with a really great guy Drew. So you are
saying if it so great why I am writing here about some
problem? To be as honest as I can I have been struggling
with the whole committment thing I think.. and that whole
Peter Pan complex where I just won't grow up and be an
adult. Drew is 21. And I am his first long term
relationship boyfriend. We sort of started off on rocky
ground cause I was just getting out of an uneven
relationship with a 17 year old at the time. Yeah I know
too young right. I agree cause he probably is younger
mentally than that. But at the time I very lonely and he
seemed interested in me..the age thing was a little weird I
suppose but it helped that he was completely out and I met
his parents and stuff. I love his parents they are really
great. He on the other hand seemed to like the things I
could get for him a little too much. I mean I was making
pretty good money at the time cause I was going to grad.
school and working another full time job. So I took him
out alot. He only liked a couple of things to eat.. one of
which was McDonald's..and pizza. I know I asked for it.
But after awhile that quirk got to me. Also, he started
demanding more and more things from me. That got old real
fast. I started to get wise and I met this really great
guy named Drew at the university gay group. Actually, I
met Drew like 2 weeks after my 17 year old and I started
dating. Keep in mind this about two years ago. But
anyways we went to a party...and all got really drunk. My
17 year had been hinting for some time he wanted a 3-
some... and he kind of liked Drew too. Sorry to burst you
bubble but the threesome didn't happen. My 17 year old
went I seperate ways at the party. Me and Drew (Drew was
drunk off his ass) were talking and eventually we starting
kissing. At some point we were in car and let me just say
that I pushed the limits like I usually do...God knows
why...and it sort of freaked him out. Wow..actually this
is sort of deja vu when I think about recent events...but I
am jumping ahead. So anyways I told my 17 year what
happened he was sad... but not too terribly so (cause of
the 3-some thing I guess). So over the next few days I had
to deal with my friends talking about it.. and the
embarassment that Drew had to suffer... and eventually I
hit a breaking point with my 17 year old. See he tended to
fight with his parents alot about school type stuff. And
how he treated his parents sometimes bothered me. So I got
involved onetime..I shouldn't have, but I reached a
breaking point. That is when I realized I had to break it
off with him and at the same time not lose Drew to rumor
mill. So I did.. i broke it off...to pursue Drew. I can't
really handle being alone... especially as a Gay man. It
really hurts too much because I was soo new to it all and
sometimes it seemed so shallow and superficial. I don't
know if I still think that but sometimes I do...only now I
realize my own superficiality and that of every single
other person in the world. Sometimes I wonder if love is
really some big lie we are told about since birth, but it
never really reaches the proportions they always tell you
about..At first it does cause you have the excitement of
the new love and all the newness..and of course the hormone
thing. I heard somewhere that sometimes people fall in
love with falling in love. I wonder if that is what I am
like. So going back to the story...I got Drew. It was
sort of shaky at first cause he was really bothered by the
circumstances of it all. I was too...but to a lot lesser
extent. I had always hoped I would somehow be... more
noble. Faced with that situation I didn't do the right
thing...I was drunk...he was... I realized on some level
that I should do anything with either of us in our drunken
state, but I ignored that voice... and I have also ignored
in my relationship with Drew. Things recently have been
getting a little...bland, flat, undramatic with us. We
aren't intimate anymore.. or hardly ever. That is rough.
We don't really talk that much except during a
cigarette..but use the cigarette as some stupid excuse to
talk because we can't talk otherwise. Although, we do have
a special memory regarding that..which is probably why we
do it... we were talking late one night in bed and having a
cigarette talking....and after the cigarette was finished
we continued talking even though we were incredibly tired.
We were both sitting Indian style facing each other
eventually we fell asleep forehead to forehead talking. It
was only for a moment I am sure, but it was cute.
Although, I cherish that memory I want to grow past it...I
hope that doesn't make me unfeeling or something.
Sometimes I worry about that... sometimes I think I should
be feeling more than I am. I like look at myself like
someone that is watching a horror flick and keeps yelling
at them to not go back and get the damn book.. stop being
stupid.. only I am yelling at myself..Why don't you feel
something? Shouldn't you be feeling something? Or
sometimes it is like I have learned to construcct this
mask...and I only show people the mask that I think they
want to see ...except the only problem is...I have
forgotten what I look like behind the mask. Like I don't
even know myself. But I guess know of really do...or if we
think we do..we are probably lieing to ourself on some
level. We have too much invested in ourselves to be
totally honest. Well, I think I am rambling...and in some
way I want this to be interesting.. so I will save the rest
for another day.


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