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2001-07-29 06:49:28 (UTC)

here I go again on my own

Here I sit. Alone again. I am drinking, and taking pain
killers. I want to ecape what I have made a life. I work
all day and come home to the caller ID that says Tony
called. Everyone it seems, yet, Brian. I like him, I think
I like him because he is a free spirit. He does what he
wants when he wants how he wants. But it hurts that way
too. When you have his attention you feel like the whole
world revolves around you, and when he isn't around its too
quiet and sad almost. Its unfortunate that he doen't want
kids or has seemed to let go of the whole party scene. He
still drinks like my ex husband still does. He still smokes
pot, and on occasion coke who knows what else. It felt good
to be in his arms though, damn good to be held and held
close, tightly. I remember my friend telling me that I
shouldn't have hung up my punk personality with my clothes
and ethics, it shaped me and influenced all who was around
me. I was flattered. I have decided it is time for another
tattoo, and I am not forgeting my ethics anymore and I will
not be pushed around anymore. I just don't want to be a
bitch about it, but don't ask me to give you money Brian
when I know damn well you are spending it on beer. And Tony
you will hear why I hate you even though the truth hurts.
And Alan, you will pay the past due bills that accumulated
when I was supporting your ass. And to all the married men
who think they can get away with down talking thier wives
and trying to sleep with somone else. And the short
tempered assholes who use being a male an instant right of
automotive knowledge. How about the abusers out there who
do it to women and men, and worst of all children. I feel
like my medication has dampered my passion for life and
made my tolerence for mental incompitence skyrocket.