deeply hidden

To be just

Friday September27,2002 I decided to ask jrock if he was
fine with the way things were between him and I because his
father still didn't approve of this relationship we had.
And he said no, he wasn't fine with, then I asked him what
he didn't like about it and he said that his father is
keeping him and I from doing what boyfreinds and girlfreinds
are supposed to do, you know like the simple little things
like holding hands, kissing every once in a while write
notes or poems to each other... which I did and they are
posted at
thestarlitecafe.com

my "name" is somethingdeepinside

anyway, he then asked me what I didn't like about it and I
was surprised that he said exactly what I was feeling, even
though I still don't understand how when we were away from
his father he still wouldn't touch me, but he said that if
he held my hand too much then he would want to do something
else and well etc.... you should get what I am trying to
say... but I said that he needs to learn to control his
desires better, and he said it was too hard. But that was
my reason for bringing up the subject because I knew I
wasn't being fair to him, knowing that his dad did not
approve but still I found a way to make him feel bad so I
decided to ask him if he thought it would be easier if we
were just freinds... and amazingly enough he agreed with me.

I didnt think it would hurt ... because I thought well I know we are going to chill still and all that so, but i was wrong. Because I am
feeling it now ... I watched him this morning while he was walking away from me towards his class and water clogged my eyes.
Who knew that just decided to be freinds could hurt so bad, but it is because I know that now I don't have a right to get jealous when
he is looking at another girl or even talking to her or damn well I don't want to think about it but even if he goes out with another girl.
I just didn't think it would feel this way but its for the best because I hate seeing him feeling bad because I still got mad at him even
though he explained to me why he couldn't do anything.