carris311

Carris Thingy
2002-09-30 02:16:34 (UTC)

confusion.. grrr

boys, boys, boys... what can i say? they suck, but i love
them anyways. and why i have to love the one particular boy
that i do, i don't know.. it's so hard. he hurt me so many
times and i gave him chance after chance, and he never
learned.. if you know me well enough, you should know the
whole story. i wish i could forget about him, but i just
can't. i love him more than i can even explain.. it's
crazy. when i broke up with him, i had to keep telling
myself that it was what's best for me.. that i can do
better. but my mind just keeps wandering back to him. i
close my eyes and i see his face. i think about him
constantly, even when i tell myself i need to stop. i just
want to hold him and be with him again.. the way that we
used to be before he f'ed everything up.. i still dream
about him.. and it's driving me crazy. it hurts like hell.
what makes it even worse is that when i see him i pretend
like i don't have any feelings and i hide the fact that i
still care about him more than i have ever cared about
anyone. i worry about him all the time, and i pray for him,
and i hope that he is doing well. i just know that there is
a good person in there somewhere.. i just wish that that
person would have been revealed while i was still around...
well, today i saw him. which was not unusual. but we
actually talked this time. and we hugged.. and i swear, i
wanted nothing more than to just stay there with him
forever, even though i know that that would be no good. why
can't i just stop missing him, and stop thinking about him,
and move on the way that people think i have? i always put
on this act and hide the fact that i'm still crazy about
him even after all the crap that he put me through. why
can't he just be good for me? that's all i really want...




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