2002-09-29 22:56:12 (UTC)

"you were the one...you were the only one. and you were...amazing."

back home again.

i have been crying so much the past few days. im used to
this constant headache and swelled up eyelids.

i never imagined love could be this much. i just...i mean.
people tell you about love. you know. or you read about it
in stupid stories when youre young. or movies. disney
displays it well. but...when it comes time for your turn.
for the real thing. i mean...none of that shit comes close
to comparing. its just so much. so much of good and crying
times and mixtures of the two.

a year two months and counting.

"cuz no matter what you give a fuck..."

ghetto-ly put. and appropriate.

i told her about marcy.
i didnt tell her all that she wanted to know. i told her
too much to begin with most likely.
and it killed me so much to leave her with questions.
but...i know its better this way. as much as she wants to
know. its better. because...if her knowing a yes or a no
to any of them...if that would change things. better or
worse. then she shouldnt know. because knowing those
little things is not the point. its not what this is
about. its the principal of the point.

i know that i shouldnt feel bad. logically. logically i
shouldnt feel most of what i do when it comes to emily.
shes hurt me more than she will ever be aware of. but, it
doesnt matter. i mean yes of course it matters. but...i
love her more than any pain she could ever cause me. and
maybe thats me being fucked up. but. thats how it is. has
been. will be. and there is nothing. believe me nothing
save of cutting off all communication with her. that i can
do about it.
like i said. love is crazy.

(gr usf didnt send me the fucking parking permit they were
supposed to put in this thing. damnit.)

i never wanted her to hurt. i realized this weekend that
that fact was a main difference between her and sandra. as
much as i loved sandy. i was never in love with her. its
strange to realize that fucking...years later. but i
wasnt. i wanted sandy to hurt. i wanted her to feel just
like i did. so that she would know...know what i was going
through. and with emily...i never wanted her to hurt.
ever. i never do...thats fucking love man. knowing that
shes feeling...somewhat of how i did. and going through
somewhat of what i did...is fucking driving me mad. i cant
stand it. she tried this weekend. i know she did. i could
tell. she doesnt want to feel that way. she wants to be
cool with it. she doesnt want me to feel bad. i know that.
because...it honestly is fucked up. you know. but...it
doesnt change shit. it doesnt change the fact that shes
hurting right now. and i know that.

there are so many things i could tell her...but i wont.
because...relying on that, good or bad, isnt good. having
that "comfort" of knowing. because it may not always be
there. so then what. you know.

like when she sent me that text message when she hung out
with christin and was like "btw nothing happened". i didnt
want that. i didnt want to know. i would rather assume
that something did and take it from there because now. now
i do not know. i do not know shit about what shes doing.
who shes doing it with. from drugs. to sex. to love. i
dont know ANYTHING.
and...i dont want to. because, if i were to rely on me
knowing. when shit did happen. i would flip out even more

my eyes hurt a lot.

this lamb is weird.

i just called her. i miss her. i didnt want her to leave
at all. i was stalling.

we kissed this weekend.

we never kiss...
not even when we have sex much.

i couldnt stop last night. i just wanted to kiss her. and
touch her. and be with her. thats all i wanted. i couldnt
get close enough. i want to be in her on her over her
around her. meld myself against her and never move.

i swear i could sleep for days solid if she were in bed
beside me.

there is nothing that compares to her in my mind or in my
it has been this way for awhile.

it hit her finally i think.
that i am real.
a real person...
sometimes i think she lost track of that along the way.
like the pedestal thing.
me acting like a real person.
no matter how much i love her.
is still very possible.
because. i do feel.
and honestly.
i feel more than most others.

and i do not call people and bitch about her.
i barely talk about her anymore.
because i used to do too much of that.
and i realize that.
she was my whole life.
and it couldnt cant now and shouldnt be like that.
because, she needs her space.
i understand that.


the love is still there. forever will be. i really...i
really cant think of anything that would make me run from
her. there are so many things that girl does that i wish
she wouldnt. that scare me. that hurt me. that make me
sad. but, its all worth it man. all of it.
there is not one single thing i would change about her.
because i love her for all that she is and all that she
isnt. shes not a girl. shes not a pothead. shes not mean.
shes not hot. shes not anything. but emily. nothing but
emily. and i dont have any preconceptions about her. i
know when not to believe her no matter how conviencing she
can sound. i know her. and, i love her.

my head is pounding. she missed her exit. shes not happy
about it.

i cant eat this lamb.
its too strange for me right now.
i need comfort food and nicotine and coffee.

i also need to sleep.

i need a lot.

i do you know.

probably more than most.
its takes a lot to make me feel loved...and i appreicate
every tiny bit.
every bit of speghetti this weekend made me smile just a
little more.

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