2002-09-29 21:27:47 (UTC)

full for a first

Well, I don't have any formal idea of how to start this.
Basically it will be just ranting and complaining about my
life. And really, it isn't bad at all, just I have a
tendency to let little things but me. And i should let you
know that I am a perfectionist. I get a 97 on a 100 point
test and obsess about the "3 wrong", which you will find, I
refer to a lot. So it's your choice if you decide to read
it, but as a forewarning, it's not that interesting.
1st, what's on my mind today. One word, Andrew. Friday
night at the football game, we had a really good time
together. We sat together wrapped up in my blanket and
stayed warm. Then I went to his house for a bonfire and we
chatted again. I can always have really deep and
fulfilling conversations with him, which is great. Then
when his sister and her friends came outside, we went for a
walk down to the lake. It was freezing, but we sat on the
little swing and talked for like 2 hours. It was so nice,
he's really the only guy that I can talk to like that. I
hope it lasts. He kept flattering me, and hinting towards
things, you know, that he liked me. Later on, we walked
back and it went like this. Andrew: Don't think I'm weird,
but today right before you came over, shuman was yelling at
me. Me: What do you mean? Andrew: Well, he's been
bugging me to ask you out for awhile. Me: Oh really.
Andrew: Yup, and we've got about 40 feet until we get to
my house, so... Me: (a little lost) well, why don't I make
it easier for you, ....yes. Andre: Really? And after
that we were together. We walked back to the fire, warmed
up, it was freezing, and then I had to go. I gave him a
kiss on the cheek and a hug and left. It was like a dream,
unbelievable! I like him a lot, and kind of was expecting
it. But I feel a little weird, how do i act? Are there
limits to anything? And what is everyone going to say?
How in the world do I tell my friends, like Casey? And if
I don't tell anyone, they'll all find out somehow, and then
what will they say? It really has me lost. But yesterday
(saturday) he came over and we watched Spaceballs and Star
Wars together. I did finally get to put my head on his
shoulder, and his arm was around me a little. That feels
so good. And he is so much like me. He wants to fall in
love and dreams about it, just like me. I think I could
eventually fall for him that way, but it'll take awhile. I
have no idea what I'd say if he said, "I love you." I
should probably consider that. I kind of want to be a brat
and throw it in Josh's face. (we have a little history,
very on and off, lots of jealousy) But that would be
mean. Plus, I still have very strong feelings for Jeff,
and I know it won't go anywhere, but I can't give up all
hope. I don't even want to think about what would happen
if him and I started dating, though I know that isn't
exactly a possibility anytime soon.
And now I want to rant about the dance. I don't have a
date. Jeff is going with Emily (boy that made me upset),
and Andrew is going with Becca. Casey is probably the only
person who isn't officially going yet, but she has about 5
possiblities (more about that later). I really want to get
dressed up and feel feminine and have guys compliment me.
I asked Josh, but he said he doesn't want to go. I was
really upset for awhile and wouldn't let it go, but now I'm
okay. I have this little fantasy in my head of Jeff, Cole,
or Andrew seeing me and them just falling sort of head over
heels and being mine. Does it make any sense, or relate to
reality? No, of course not. But I can dream. But now,
it's too late, I still want to go, but it'd be too last
minute, considering I don't have shoes, or anything. But
you never know.
Now there's Casey. She has five guys that like her
(John, Jason, Josh, Alex, and Andrew) she likes Josh and
Jason, and probably Andrew Shuman, but she complains
constantly about them. I mean honestly, how in the world
can she complain about 5 guys! yeah, I understand it would
be complicated, and not real fun, but why in the world
doesn't she just make up her mind. To be honest, I have
always been extremely jealous of her, especially when she
was dating josh, and lately. I doubt she really knows how
much I envy her. She's so pretty and athletic, of course
they all like her. But her personality seems so boring and
on and off. Not to mention multi-dimensional, it really
makes me wonder what her appeal to guys is exactly. we
have always competed for guys and I had hoped that would
stop. Argh!
Well, at least now I can be happy. I mean, I've wanted a
boyfriend for so long, and now that I have it, I feel
somewhat fulfilled. It just doesn't feel real. I can't
write it or anything either, and that is what's bugging me
so much. As soon as I gave up, it all changed, and now I'm
back where I started. Well, I think that's enough for
today, see what I mean? Lots to write, not that
interesting. Adios for now!

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