2002-09-29 04:00:46 (UTC)


I haven't been able to write...I am living in a void and
carry no emotions, nor meaning to life. It may sound like I
am depressed, which I am not but I have a great dislike for
the world and the people and things in it. There are a
select few that do not fit the dislike but a very few. I
have lost interest in people and things I used to love and
hold a great passio for. I push friends away because I know
eventually they will hurt me, or worse, I will hurt them,
in which case, I will never be able to forgive myself. The
number of people I trust can be counted by the fingers on
one hand and there have been a few which I have cast and
archived (I know, harsh) out of my life.
Which brings me to Ben. I know, there are always guys that
cause trouble in girl's lives, yet he is neither the cause
not result of anything. Just something I have to sort
through and talk about with someone. I love Ben-always have
and always will, no matter what happens between us. I used
to/still like Ben, and at one point, he claimed that he too
had something in there for me too. He told me yesterday,
that he has a g/f and they've been going out for 2 wks.
Last wk, when I called, he asked me to prom (in May),
wanted to do something over winter break, we talked briefly
about hooking up but said he was really desperate for a g/f
and was thinking of asking out this other girl, b/c she was
always available to hang out. I'm not angry at all-I have
no emotions left to feel anything but he did the same thing
to me, in a way, that someone else did to him, with which
he was furious about. Ok, i have to go, my Dad is coming in
evry 2 sec. More later...