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2001-07-28 17:51:04 (UTC)

club star only human

everyone sees me as this really positive person
i liked it so much in the beginning
it meant the changes i was making on the inside
were radiating outward
the lost angry rebellious girl
always hurting and fighting
was finding things to smile about
thru this attitude change
i seemed to have found a big chunk of my purpose
i can make most any stranger smile
people also tell me things they dont tell their best friends
not so much secrets
more like things they dont really think about
untapped parts of their mind
it just seems to flow when they are with me
one person told me that i show people hope
and tickle their inner child
thats a pretty cool comment
this year i turned 25
this is the first year i can call myself an adult
from thoughts to action
things are pretty tuff right now
my mom is dying
yet if anyone asks me how are you?
i reply Im having a great day!
just because Im sad Im not going to bring anyone else down
not only am I trying to cope with this
but all of her affairs that she couldnt handle on her own
maybe if she was old this would be easier
but shes so young she had me at 24
she kicked my dad out before i was a year -we've never met
she remarried to a man who kicked me out of the house
when i was 14 and a half years old
i didnt come back until they were divorced
because until that point she chose him over me
she didnt want me to come home
and here i am
taking care of her
shes not like mom i once didnt know
shes on so many medications including pills for pain
shes never really there
i dont feel the youth i did just 8 months ago
i feel more human than this club star
the shine inside hasnt been burning as bright
i dont go out anymore
i just dont feel like it
i have too much on my mind to bull--it with aquaintences
and this is what i once loved so much
go out all night and dance
leave my reality at the club door
have fun
its hard to get ready to go out
when my mom is in the next room so sad
we dont even know how to talk to each other
in putting my life on hold to take care of hers
Im forgeting my passions
well tonight is Saturday and Im off work
I think tonight Ill do it
get ready just like I used to
meditating that i am a star
as i put on my make up and curl my hair
find a phat outfit and sprinkle on glitter
tonight i shall dance off all that i have been holding back
on the tallest pillar in the middle of the club
glo stix on brand new strings
i will smile at everyone i see
and be the star i want to be
i havent lost it its still inside
i will radiate outward
i have no problems tonight
its saturday!

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