Ruby Red

The Truth About Perfection
2001-07-28 17:20:02 (UTC)

crazy

John returned home and he left again today (sat). He'll be
in florida for a week and Cassie is at VB camp for the
weekend until mon or tues. A weekend to myself. News.
I convinced John to ask Cassie out even though I love
him. Why I did it, I don't know. At first he chickened
out but then he did it. They're going out and i am
jealous. I always set myself up for heartbreak. I
shouldn't complain, it's my own fault. Anyways thursday
they came over to watch movies with me and Shawn. They
were snuggly and touchy feely. They giggled a lot and held
eachother. He wanted to make out with her, but she
wouldn't let him. Thank god, i'da died if they did it in
front of me. But anyways, I was really jealous when he
would lean up against her and she against him and he'd put
his face close to hers and close his eyes. He smells so
good and i was just crumbling. So yesterday at the mall
i'd see couples and be so jealous it was horrible. I cried
a lot yesterday and he is all I think about. it's my own
fault!
We talked on the phone yesterday and he asked me what i
realy thought of him. I told him I didn't want to tell
him. he asked me if it'd screw up stuff b/w him and
Cassie. I said maybe, or something like that. He probably
figured it out and I am so screwed over for that. If only
I could've said something different! i want him to tell me
what he thinks of me first but he won't tell me what I want
him to probably. I can't stand myself for what I do to my
heart. He says he loves Cassie and thinks about her all
the time. She plays mind games with him and doesn't want
to kiss him and that's just wrong. He talks about her all
the time and she talks about him alot and i get to put up
with both of it. i got myself in the middle and i pissed
myself off for even bothering to push them towards
eachother. I am so mad at myself for it! Why on earth do
I hurt myself this way.
I just want a guy like him. Someone who isn't a perv, is
sweet, complements me, is open to anyone's opinion (though
may not agree), has a sense of humor, accepts me for who I
am, and doesn't focus on kissing. I am such a loser!