zizi1601

ZIZI's LiFe
2002-09-27 20:21:33 (UTC)

Still I Don't Know

yea, nothing has changed since i wrote yesterday i still
think sam is mad at me i wrote him a letter yesterday and
my friend nicole read it to him i'm scared just thinking
about what he said she was suppose to call me today but
still hasn't i hope i didn't make a full of myself here is
what i wrote to him:

Sam,

I'm writing to you becasue I don't have the guts to
call you on the phone and tell you how I feel. I was
suppose to call you today after school, but I'm afraid to
tell you the truth even if you've heard it so many times it
may make you feel sick. I'm so sorry about what I did to
you. When I was at Nicole's on Friday I was not thinking
and I know that's not an excuse. You know that Anya has a
very big influence on my and when she said to me forget
about Sam, you don't even get any satisfaction from him. I
believed her. It was stupid. I started flirting with Will
and before I knew I was kissing him. I didn't feel anything
when I kissed him. The only thing I felt was that I wanted
you to be in Will's place that night. Nicole, the minute
she found out got so pissed at me I thought she'd never
speak to me again. It's funny how a kiss can bring so much
pain. Unfortunatly I brought that pain to you and myself. I
didn't like Will in that way, I just thought of it as
revengeon you. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in
my life. I got to the movie theater not knowing what I was
doing, saying things to you that were complete lies. You
lying back as well by saying that you wouldn't get mad and
that you weren't. I would do the same thing if I were in
your place, but you know me well enough to have known that
if you would have said that you would be mad I would have
never done anything. During the movie I felt like shit,
sitting next to you I just wanted to turn around apologize
and kiss you, but I was scared. For the rest of the weekend
I kept thinking of any possible excuse but it wasn't right.
I cried everynight, with my mom yelling at me thinking I've
gone into serious depression. I knew what I did was wrong
and I needed to do anything possible to get back. I feel
like I'm obsessed, but all I know is that I care about you
Sam and I want to be with you. I've realized that I can't
live with the thought of you hating me or not wanting to be
with me. Sam, I love you and I'm sorry. You can think
whatever you want but I just want one last and final chance
with you to prove that I can be good for you. I don't care
what anyone says. I need to stop being a people pleaser and
start to make my own decisions and doing things that my
hearts wants and needs. I know were young but I can't stop
or change my feelings. I really want another chance, but
that's up to you. I can't force you into a relationship.
I'm sorry I didn't call, but wrote instead. I hope you feel
the same way about me.

~Alex~

P.S. - Write back or call or if you want just let it be if
you don't want me

and here is what iwrote to Will

Hey,

Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday or today.
I've had a lot of homework and I was kind of busy. Will, I
have to tell you something and I hope you understand when I
tell you this. I really like Sam and I want to be with
him. I should have never done what I did on Friday, but I
was very attracted to you. It was wrong. Don't take it in a
bad way or anything. I mean I enjoyed it and all but it
wasn't right in anyway and attraction isn't an exception at
all. I don't think that you and I shouldgo to the movies
tomorrow and do anything. I'm not going to risk anything
with Sam anymore. I don't have many chanced left with him
and I don't want to lose them. I'm still willing to be
friends, if you like. I really hope you understand and I'm
sorry. Thanks for being there for me during the last couple
of days. If youwant to talk you know my number.

Alex

those came from the bottom of my heart. i'm still notsure
what i'm going todo but i'm going over to my friends house
(Nicole) and Samis suppose to be there hopefully he
realizes how much i care

did i mention that i've been with him for three years
before on and off but mostly on

maybe i'll go to the movies today but i really want to see
him today so maybe i will go to the football game at the
high school

bye!




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