richard bought me a book and wrote me such a nice letter.
i reacted in much the same way as i did to the e-mail, i
cried and wanted them so much. he has hurt me, yes, but at
least he is nice to me. at least he respects me. at least
he congratulates me on what i have acheived. that's more
that can be said for my real father at the moment.
i have cried a lot today. i went to see shirley for the
last time before i leave. i walked in, sat down and burst
into tears. we talked about my mother and richard. the
hate, the love, the anger, the longing. most of all the
hurt i suppose. she asked me to tell her the people who
have hurt me. i said: my mother
the hursthead kids
those men in the griffin
i couldn't bear to tell her about anyone else.
i'm going to miss shirley. i told her that. i told her
that being there was my safe place, that it has only
really become so in the last 3 weeks, but that i will
really miss having somewhere to go once a week, where i
can say what i want without being judged, or slapped, or
i feel like i'm running again. i always run. this time
it's different though, i'm not running because it's
getting too tough, i'm running because i have to run.
because i have to go to durham to prove that i CAN go to
durham. to prove that i am not a failure. even though i
dropped out of school, i can still do something.
i will lose weight, SO much weight. i will show them that
i had a huge binge last night. i waited till about 1 a.m
so i could throw up successfully as they would have been
asleep. well, so much for that. dad is really on my case
about my eating, he's picked up on the things i never even
thought about hiding, and he must have heard me in the
kitchen. he was awake and listening to what i was doing,
he questioned me, i couldn't fucking throw up. didn't even
have any carrier bags in my room as i had taken all my
stuff downstairs in them. i had no choice but to go to bed
and sleep, having eaten about 4 days worth of food in 20
i am so ashamed of what i ate.
2 bagels, with butter and jam
a small loaf of bread, toasted with butter and jam
(three quarters of a jar of jam)
cheese slathered with butter
one quarter of a tub of ice cream
half a pack of bourbon biscuits
20 minutes, no purge. how fucking shameful.
but so is my life in eating disorder hell.