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Mind of a Wierdo
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2001-07-27 07:57:27 (UTC)

The Agony continues .....

Okay I dont kno where the topic came from. I just put
anything up there. Well here I am 12:39 am Friday morning
in tears. Not my ideal entry but I haven't written an entry
for the day. I got off the phone with Chris maybe less then
30 minutes ago. Horrible chat. I mean ...... I love telling
him things.... but I find it so hard cus I wish he could
understand. I want to be sure that he understands before I
confuse him. It just isnt working for me. I want him to kno
everything but I get frustrated. And that is my fault. I
have sooooooo much that I hide. I moarn everyday, I just
can't show that to anyone cus I dont want anyone to be
scared or I dont want them to worry. With my parents, the
second I hit 12 years old ..... I was already an adult.
Never been grounded, dont have a time to be home, never
been yelled at, if I ask for something, most likely I get
it. I HATE IT!!!!!!! So many people say 'you kno everyone
wishes they had that' WHY? Just cus everyone has the
opposite now. I mean I dont regret saying that I would
trade it for everything. I basically taught myself to have
respect for elders, I basically taught myself discipline.
And I still am not satisfied. I want that my parents will
talk to me, I want that my parents will get mad at me, I
want them to ground me. I want ..................... what I
will never have. I guess that is the one wish that I will
wish for and never have come true.

Other then all that my day went the way I normally let it.
My friend Banana aka Michelle, came over and we attempted
to play a game of pool but we ended up talking about a
bunch of stuff. Then we came in and played on the computer
for a while. Called Chris's house to see if he was home so
that I could drop off his slice of cake but I ended up
talkin to his mom. Nice lady. She is funny, I like her.
Chris was out playing basketball so I told her I was goin
to come by and drop it off. She was okay with it so Banana
joined me. We chatted and laughed with Daria and Chris came
home about 45 minutes later. He joined in on our little
chats and that lasted about 30 mins. Banana and I ended up
heading home and I ate dinner when I got in. Then Chris
called me and we chatted .... as I said up above. Chris is
leaving to Puerto Rico this Saturday. And some time before
today we decided that Friday we were goin to spend it
together because we may not see each other till 20 days
later. ((( If he leaves saturday and is gone for 10 days he
will be back on Aug 6. Aug 7 I leave on my trip with my dad
and comin back the 12th, the 13th I am leaving again with
my mom and wont be back till the 18th.))) But Friday was
cancelled. I was originally planning on takin him to the
limelight (16 or older club) but he has plans from 6 to who
knows when. And I kno there is still the time before 6 but
he is goin to give Vi a call to see if she wants to hang
out. So my day with Chris before he leaves has been
officially cancelled. So I may not see him at all. There
was something that I wanted to tell him as well .........
now I can't. And I really was goin to make the day before
he left really special. NO I was NOT goin to screw him. It
was just goin to be me and him. And ONLY me and him. But
.................. I guess ................ he just doesnt
want to ......................................


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