Str8 Girl, Interrupted

Alone......

Okay, so it’s 2:26 am and I’m so not at the club all
drunk. Hmmmm…I don’t know how I feel about that. Oh well,
I guess I’ll have to just get over it. So, much is going
on in my life right now. The last thing I need to do is be
drunk and get tragic.

Yesterday, I almost got admitted to the psych ward. Yeah,
it’s really crazy. I was seriously contemplating suicide.
It’s scary when you feel like that. It’s just the thought
consumes you and nothing can make you think otherwise.
Finally, I stood back and looked at my situation. I need
to gain control. I need to get my life together…and get
better. I need to be happy again. Although, I don’t know
if that’s ever gonna be possible again. It’s so hard to
think about all the change that occurs, at least it is to.
Change is my biggest fear, I guess I would say.

Marc met a boi. His name is James. I really haven’t
talked to him. He went to the movies with us the other
night. He seems cool, although he’s really quiet. I mean,
I suppose he has to warm up to us…we are a bit much. LOL.
Marc really likes him and I HAVE to be happy for him. I’m
just faced with the utter reality that things are gonna
change now. I’m scared. I’m scared to death actually. I
know Marc is trying to understand everything that is going
on with my life and juggle everything in his. It’s got to
be hard…but it’s really hard for me to know that he’s not
gonna be there always. That I’m not gonna go to sleep with
him every night and wake up with him every morning. That
I’m not gonna get a re-cap of his day at the Pharm and he
won’t get a re-cap of my day at NFO…cuz really that’s all I
look forward to everyday…Ten-thirty when Marc comes home
and I feel complete again. It’s hard to think of these
things, because I really don’t know how to deal with them.
He left tonight to go the club and stay at his house. I
mean, he left all of us for someone he barely knows. It
just hurts, extremely bad.

I have to get on with MY life and learn to be happy again
without him. I was a year ago…

Alone

Alone in my mind
Alone in my heart
Alone when you’re near
Alone when we’re apart

Unhappy is the time
Unhappy is the place
I feel alone somehow even when I see your face
I cry all day inside myself

The hurt is here and love is replaced
I feel the hurt
It’s inevitability true
That my heartaches so deeply because of time together is
through

I want to scream
“Hey, what did I do?”
But only a whisper rings clearly through

The rain has started to fall
And the rainbow I once saw
Fills my mind and fills my dreams
When all I think of is how my life is coming apart at the
seams

The gleam of your smile
The touch of your hand
It’s already a distant memory
Who wouldn’t be sad?

The life I know is slipping away
The thought makes living harder each and every day
I can only smile and pretend life is great
But all the while, you all know my fate