The abyss gazes also
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2002-09-25 08:34:37 (UTC)

Get ready cause this shit's about to get heavy

"Tobey....Tobey Wong...Tobey Wan...Charlie fuckin Chan. i
got madonna's big dick comin' outta my right ear and tobey-
i dont know the fuck what comin' outta my right"

Okay kiddies and myself, i rolled tonight on a white pill.
not a great pill or a fantastic buzz but i have been
talking non stop to everyone and anyone. if i would have
wrote this a few hours ago it would be longer than it is
already gonna be, but i think you'll all prolly better off
for that anywho.

on with the show: today i went over to ms. parson's because
josh was gonna get weed. no dice, because obviously the
city and state and country is dryer than i have ever been
privy to. i got weed, yes, my weed. it doesnt get you high,
i can only hope for the best when i smoke after this entry.

I am the happiest, smartest, dopest, most gorgeous man in
the world. all who come before or after pale in comparison.
let's all be honest and let our hair down, no one will ever
phase me again and nothing, I REPEAT NOTHING, can ever make
me feel anything bad about myself. i would actually dare
you all to try, just to prove my point, but that is pushing
it and that goes beyond self esteem overload into provaking
people, and i don't do that anymore. no sir-ree, it's like
i have been saying about how i am so happy yet so sad
because i dont have a lady. well the only reason i dont
have one is cause i am worried about getting one. why
doesnt everyone just relax. yeah...you too...kick your
shoes off....hold on....(muffled sounds)....ahhh...yeah
that is the shit.

everyone take a long hard look at your life. look at who
you are, the person you are becoming and have been, and
look at the steps you have taken to get to this point.

okay...now do you like yourself? if you do, i am happy
because no one else i talk to is happy with life and
themselves. even after i talk for hours and hours. i know
that i hit close to home to everyone i talk to and i really
think that meghan is thinking about what i said all night
right now.

that's right meghan m-quire(forgive me i cannot spell the
last name correctly, cause i am retard, but i wont pretend
like i can) and i had a long chat. oh boy...lemme just
start from the beginning. as if this isnt long enough,
strap yourself in for the ride. this was a nice night.....

went over to ms. parsons, like i said no pot, so we got
some pills instead, mine's on front so i have to pay back
shawn day after tomorrow (thursday) josh eats half his pill
and puts the other half in the celephane on his cig pack.
well when he smokes his last cigarrette he tosses the pack
out the window. not thinking that he just threw half a pill
out with it. we didnt even try to look for it because we
drove across wyandotte and we didnt exactly take a straight
and narrow route. so if anyone sees a black cigarette pack
with red writing on it, i'd inspect that bitch cause you
just might be rolling that night. so i ate half and snorted
half, woo woo. whatever. body buzz...mmmm....it was alright
i guess. i dont expect much from pills anymore, they just
work like prozac. and for those of you thinking this yay me
kick is all about the e well think again, fucker, cause i
have realized alot of things while talking to all these
fuckheads having nervous breakdowns around me.i will give
you all the short and skinny of what i have been telling
people because i really don't want to say it anymore for a
while. i should be getting paid for this shit. yeah, uh,
anyone need a therapist or a man whore to have sex with
them for...uh, let's say twenty depending on how good
looking you are. if you are a virgin it's free but i better
be covered in hymen blood or i charge you double for trying
to pull a fast one on me. HAH! i bet that shit makes all
you lovely ladies in the audience soooo horny for my dirty
mouth and stinkin thinkin. REMEMBERTHIS: tonight and
everynight as Chez Big Mike's it is "Lady's Night" and even
if you aint fuckin and aint payin for my time, i stilllove
all you ladies because no man can hate a woman who has not
done him wrong. and the ladies that have done we wrong?
well the few that exist are such messes thereselves i just
basically feel sorry for them. I hate to break this to
everyone but every girl who has dumped me has asked to have
me back. Bitch, do i look like a fucking desperate, smelly,
not getting any, piece of shit. well maybe i do LOOK like
that and yeah I SMELL but that description i just delivered
is what all of you nasty whores are percieved thru my eyes
and any man that has any dignity and sense of value and
honor. i have cried over being dumped once and i stuck it
to her in the end,too. not my dick, you durty bird, but the
ol' double cross, turn ya around and kick you in your ass.
ooooh, but im soooo sweeeet....i would never do anything
like that...... i am getting waaaaaay off base.....

1. first and foremost your life, is your life. NO ONE will
hold your hand thru it and no one will always be there for
you, even if they really will be you cannot count on
someone twenty four seven, you cannot overstay your welcome
at the heartbreak hotel, we live on a planet filled with
memebers of the oppisite sex. go talk to one of them, go
date one of them, go fuck (or make love) to one of them.

2. you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself because it
will do you no fucking good. while you are crying inside,
all alone over your ex, your life, whatever it is, the
entire world is passing your ass by. get out there and make
up for time you have already wasted because life is short
enough as it is. me simply writing this is a waste because
i could be doing alot more productive things right now. but
hey, i'm not the one with problems and i am not complainin'.

3. i have said the word beautiful more times than anyone
else ever in the history of the world. i am finding a new
word ASAP. why have i said this so much? well we are
reaching the end of our lesson on life kids and this is the
most important thing. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. disagree with me
do you? so you can honestly say that there isnt anything on
this earth that is so breathtaking to behold that it doesnt
want to make you just run thru the streets or if your not a
runningthru the streets person, it doesnt just make you
sigh and feel happy. you can find beauty all over this
world, because the world itself is really beautiful, it's
just some of the people in it can really make it look ugly.
you have to find what makes you happy, it is really that
simple. if you don't like yourself or your life or anything
at all then you have to change it and you have to change it
YOURSELF. like i said, no one lives your life but you and
you have to do this on your own. only you can make yourself
happy and you can do it all you have to do is want to do
it. if you want to be sad all your life you will be, but i
wouldnt reccomend it.

THE MEANING OF LIFE: you make your own. you designate what
makes you happy and what is beautiful and you enjoy all
these great things that the world has to offer and that you
have to offer yourself. if you arent you favorite person(
or second fav, if your in love) then you are havin
problems. and do not ever let the meaning of your life be
another person or their life, because only bad things will
come of this goddammit. LOVE THEM WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND


josh and erin leave ms. parsons. i stick around and tell
her about all th evil dead movies, i give my motionvational
speech and skate home. it was nice but too cold. i felt
good and i still feel good. right now tho, all this talk
about surviving on your own is boring me. i kind of wanna
talk to someone even tho thats what i've been doing all
night, i kind of wanna hold and kiss and fuck someone. i
kind of want to watch batman and i need to stop writing so
i can smoke some real shitty pot.

i come home and get online, i talked to too many people on
this one and gotmy hands full. meghan was online so i
talked to her, and somehow it got into another recreation
of JIMMY eat World's the middle about me saying what i
outlined above and to stop crying over ex boyfriends. damn
you all. i feel great....what the hell do i do next?

i am done writing because there is NOTHINGWORTHSAYINGANYMORE

song time! song time! song time!

i need to pick a good one, and one that will show you all
that life isnt so drab. IS THAT ALL THE GUSTA YOU CAN MUSTA?
life rules, but you have to make it rule, geninus. don't
let yourself be sad cause you'll just piss me right the
fuck off.

i can't find very many that fit the mood right now. songs
are all sad, this one is dedicated to you all and i wish
you were all in the same place i am, emotionaly. a girlie
would be nice...guess thats next on the choppin block.


So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies
from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile
from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot
ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead
role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year
after year,
Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The
same old fears.
Wish you were here.

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