My Heart and Soul....
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2002-09-25 02:42:00 (UTC)

Friends are great...

Wow...so let me take this time to say that I have been a
total bitch most of my high school career. I'm going to say
names tonight, which I don't usually do...but I've got to
give this girl her due. Danielle. You know her or you don't.
But see me...I've done both. I've known her, but I haven't
KNOWN her. She's been in my school since 7th grade, and only
last Thursday did I start chilling with her, and actuall
getting to know her. I am so mad at myself for not accepting
her. I spent all day with her, and in 6 hours, I feel closer
to her than I do most of my friends that I grew up with.
(Not all...maybe I'm not talking about you...) But, I can
just talk to her, and she tells me things straight up. Not
what I want to hear, or what she wants me to think...but
what she honestly thinks and feels. Now, if you know
females, this is a hard thing for us to do. But, now I feel
like things are going my way. BLAH...i feel like I've been
being all sentimental lately. But...I'm working on
communicating my feelings, right? So that's what I'm gonna do.

The first step. There is a guy...who I have feelings for. Or
at least I think I do. Cause I had feelings for him when
last we saw each other. But then, 2 years can change A LOT.
I know I'm not the same person. BUT...my friends, who were
there for most of the escapade are all in agreement that I
should approach him, despite the fact that he is with
someone, and has been for the last 2 years, since we stopped
seeing each other. OK...so then the next problem. Anyone who
knows me well, know a few things pertaining to this. 1st: I
am not an up front person when it comes to things like this.
Yes, I am very confrontational, but when my emotions are
involved I tend to be very reserved, with good reason. But
also, my personality makes me crazy if I think that I could
be missing out on something. AND 2nd: The way things were
between us, especially the way it ended. Many people would
say that it is utter stupidity that I can feel that way.
Which in my heart I know is right, but in my heart, I know
that I have to know what could have been....It's so hard.
and certain people keep telling me to just talk to him,
invite him to chill, be friends like we were before all this
crap happened. And I know I should do this...but...it's
still hard for me.

OK..then the other thing I decided tonight. And I am so
afraid I am going to offend a ton of people by saying this,
cause it's not something a lot of people know. But I also
think it is a good way for me to start. I am going to get
over this eating disorder. Whether I join the Army or go to
college, I can't let it go on. I don't want to spend my
whole college career avoiding people, and running to the
bathroom after a meal. I can't deal with that. Cause those
people just won't accept it. They don't know me, and they
won't care. or the army...there's no way. I have to eat, and
I can't exactly go to the bathroom in privacy there, so it's
gonna be impossible, plus I'll have to be in the best
physical shape ever. So...I'm going to beat this. I'll work
out...cause I gotta train anyway. I'll get my metabolism
back on track...and try to get my body back to working
normal. I don't want that stigma attatched to me for the
rest of my life, and if someone doesn't like me for who I
am, then what do I care? They aren't the kind of people I
want to be friends with anyway, right?!wow....it sounds so
easy. I know how impossible it is going to be though. I just
hope I can lean on my friends for support. I love you guys.

WOW...i can't believe this. Im like on a kick of writing. It
makes me feel good. I need feedback! How am I doing? Am I
opening up at all?! Is this better? Less depressive and
anit-social? I sure hope so. Well...I've got tons of
homework to get done, so I can get that scholarship to
Florida State :- and I have to write my last will and
testament for the yearbook :'-( So, give me feedback. Tell
me what you think. I won't be offended. I love ya tons!

**Big Kiss**


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