Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2002-09-24 18:03:55 (UTC)

Tuesdays...

I got emails from Melanie today. And for the past few days.
It's nice to hear her again, although I am now in an unsure
position of what to do. I suppose this is when the
appropriate cliche to use would be to just "see how things
go" or something like that.

I still feel empty. I don't really know why. Well I do know
why. Emptiness is just, what I am. It's what I love. It's
just another opportunity to feel and not feel at the same
time. It's like being painfully aware of the absolute
nothing. And as you know, there can not exist and absolute
nothing. If you point to space as a an example of absolute
nothing you have to take into account it has a gravitional
constant. Some kind of dimensions, and also the fact it has
the property of being space. So it does exist.

Funny. How things just happen to go. The bad part about
feeling empty, is that, there appears to be a law of
thermodynamics involved with emptiness. That is, because of
course you are human, and there exists something that has
no void or any kind of physical being, it's very easy for
you to attempt to fill the emptiness with your own self.

The result, is that you begin to feel less of yourself. And
more empty. More empty because whatever is in you is
spreading to fill the void. It's attempting to fill it.
With you. You can't fill it all though. So... what I
imagine happens is a blackhole effect.. sucking and
sucking.

Well. I don't know. Maybe I am being over dramatic. I just
know that, ... I don't feel like being alive. Not suicidal,
but more of.. a, .. I don't know how to explain it.

Ah yes, it's good to be me.

... The problem is I can't tell if that's sarcasm anymore.




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