lorlei

things that happened
2002-09-23 18:44:37 (UTC)

wow...i am so amazed at the bad..

wow...i am so amazed at the bad choices that people make.
And I look at me and think I never had a chance to make
bad choices. It is sort of scary. The few bad choices I
made were when i was under trememndous duress and they are
psychological. I couldnt help it. Such as hurting myself.
It was only after it happened that i read up on it and
realized, oh the physical pain did help me deal
emotionally for all those years of confrontation and
attack.
I cannot believe the adversity I have had in my life. I
have concluded that for some they are born cursed or maybe
it is the nature of man.
I just know that if I were for one instant to do one thing
reckless something FUCKED UP would happen. Just like the
night A got drunk and that night his condom broke, he had
to pay lots of $$$ to get birth control pills, he lost his
visa card, the refridgerator stopped working, couldnt be
fixed for 4 days, he lost all the food WTFF!!

So I think I will get my life straightened out before I
attempt to do anything reckless. Fuck not that I could
afford recklessness, but maybe in 1 yr and a half i just
might.
Yesterday was pretty bad. For the past few days I have
been having nightmares, I have been having terrible ones
of my mother, usually I ended up killing her. I spoke to
her on the phone yesterday and she knew I needed help yet
she was gloating. I SWEAR TO GOD...I will never ever help
her with anything. She is no longer my mother actually. If
i have children she will never see them.

Well my life has been out of control for a while...thie
control I've been trying to maintain...it seemed like a
fucking illusion after a while. Yesterday I thought about
hurting myself like cutting myself to help with the pain I
was feeling. It's stressfull, especially when i got the
documents back I thought THIS WAS ALL IN VAIN.
After I got back from the store I took his razor and i
tried cutting my arm. It didnt really work. I thought if I
could slide a knife down my arm...somewhere where it wasnt
so visible...but I didnt do it. I remember what i had
promised myself.
I am even getting surgery to fix the damage I did to
myself because I could not face that I could do this to
ME. I was supposed to be my best friend, if i cannot trust
myself all bets are off. So I will not admit it to myself,
ever that this happened. He is careful about talking about
it too...he knows. I am going to get surgery and no one
will ever know and I won't remember that stressful time.




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