girl, interrupted
2002-09-23 16:20:11 (UTC)

i need a mother. i have never..

i need a mother. i have never really had one. the time she
refers to in that e-mail was when i was house bound
because my weight was so low, she cared for me then, she
tried to make it up to me for all the years she wasn't
there for me. part of me feels eternally in debt. i feel i
owe her a lot. i feel i owe her because she gave birth to
me, but i know i shouldn't feel like that. i shouldn't
feel a lot of things. i can never get it right. my
temptation is to go running back to her, i know her arms
would be open for me, but i also know that in writing what
she wrote, that's what she wants. she knows that's how it
will work. she knows that if she tells me those 3 words, i
love you, that i will break down and run back, because i
need that, i need to be loved. but perhaps not from her. i
don't know.

perhaps i shouldn't be angry. perhaps i should forgive and
forget, as that old phrase goes. squash my anger and pain
back down where it belongs.

i'm so confused and hurt. sorry for the incoherent