camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-09-23 10:25:35 (UTC)

sisterly thoughts

'you're really different. you're in the stars while we're
in the deepest trench.'

i don't think i am in the stars. i probably am one of the
many swimming around the trench, trying to stay afloat.

i'm a bit scared of what i will discover when the 30th
rolls around. part of me wants defeat. part of me wants
victory.

someone said i have the middle child syndrome: the longing
to be the best out of all the siblings. perhaps i justify
my desire to be the most intellectually capable simply
because i know that i don't stand a chance if we are judged
by our appearances. if i am the ugliest, then at least let
me be the smartest. it only seems fair.

to have my sisters have everything makes me feel worthless.
if they have looks and brains and i have none, then what
does that make me? i'm rambling. talking nonsensically. but
these thoughts exist in my mind. it would be dishonest of
me if i do not come out and admit all my insecurities.

i feel drained. tired. frustrated. i am indulging myself in
my own self-pity. i don't know how to deal with this.

i know i must grow up. i must push back all these thoughts
and never entertain them again for the rest of my life. but
will that mean being untrue to myself?

and i found out last night that a friend is going to die
very soon. i was pained. didn't know what to do. her
chances of living are getting slimmer and slimmer. even if
i conquer my fear of needles and donate as much blood as i
can i will not be able to save her.

she's dying. and i'm here worrying about myself.

how shallow. how selfish. i am not in the stars. i'm
sinking in the trenches.