The mediocrity that is me
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2002-09-23 09:46:15 (UTC)

Why not?

Why didn't I kiss him?

A beautiful, wonderful, fantastic person --- who I like
very much, and he actually truly does like me --- and I
don't kiss him.

I wanted to --- so much so that it hurt.

But, of course, I didn't.

I am tired of me rushing into things. I am so tired of it
all. I want to be sure of something for once before I
just go off and do it without thinking. I want to know
that I want this --- and that I want it for the right

I don't want this to be a one night stand type of thing.
I need something more.

Tonight Joel "analyzed" me. He told me that "I really
need a good relationship. That I need to allow for the
possibility for someone to like me. That I need to
realize that I am capable of being liked, and to stop
worrying about being hurt." He couldn't have been more
right. I want other people to be happy --- but me? My
happiness means nothing --- to anyone. I would definitely
benefit from a decent relationship, because right now, I
don't think I am worthy of being liked. I don't think I'm
worthy enough to have around while sober.

Now, there's this.

And I'm scared. Terrified even. I am so used to things
blowing up in my face that I don't want to take that first
step. I don't want to risk it.

It would be so much easier to just continue on like I
always have --- not really allowing myself to create
emotional ties with anyone, especially people who could
potentially hurt me. Does that sound pathetic? I didn't
take any risks. It didn't matter either way. I could
just stay in this emotional limbo.

But now --- now, I actually care. And there are actual
risks here. I like this guy, I really like him very
much. He makes me do the whole steroetypical "weak in the
kness" bit --- any time I'm around him.

But I'm afraid to jump. And when I do jump, I want it to
be the most perfect thing in my life.

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