Wally's Wackin' Shack
2002-09-23 05:01:00 (UTC)

My Life SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

I got Pledged into my Fraternity today. Now, I'm thinking
about depledging, that would be the smart thing to do. I
attended two Sorority Parties yesterday. At my amazement,
I can recall how much I consummed. Two beers, four Long
Island Ice Teas, and a Hand Granade. I have never been as
wasted as i was last night. I staggered into my my room.
One of my fraternity Brothers got stuck in my bathroom, I
was too entoxicated to help him out, so I staggered out
into the hall way and yelled for help. Having a man
trapped where my toilet is, I began throwing up in my
shower, all after I began throwing up in my room. A few
girls took care of me, got me to my bed and watched over me
while I was throwing up for about half an hour. I passed
out........woke up still drunk, and with the WORSE hang
over I've ever had. I've been shaking all day, probably
due to my dehydration, I've had lots of water and gatorade
to drink. I almost threw up while having breakfast today.
Some how I've managed to keep it all down. I have arrived
at the point where I know I have to depledge. I would love
to be in my Fraternity, but I can't handle, nor can I
personally afford the dues. I really dont' want to get a
job, so.....the wise decision would be to go ahead with my

To make things Worse, I talked to one of my friends from
back home today. I became aware to the fact that someone
told my dad that I am gay. I have been cut off
financially, he has even spoken of disownment. My mother
has taken over my bills, good bless her soul, if it hadn't
have been for her, I would here deserted, kicked out of
school eventually, and have no place to go. I honestly
don't know what I would have done, or where I would have
gone. My life is in shambles. I've become an alcoholic,
who has been abandoned by his father, and betrayed by one
of my sisters. Who can I turn to in these times of
uncertainty? I've isolated myself from the world, with
only strangers in my dorm to whom I can confide in.....with
me confiding in them.....does that make the strangers
anymore? I can call most of them friends, trustworthy ones
that saved my life. It scares me that I was near death.
Left by a man who is 'supposedly' my brother. This
agonizing epiphany has gathered tears that I cannot cry. I
am alone in a crowd. My worse fear, abandoned by those I
love. Amongst many people, yet still alone.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with this entry. My
trepidations of shock have caused me to seek solace. I've
got a tremendous pain I must assuage. I feel that by
opening up I can go on, still I find myself with my head
bowed low. Ashammed of who I am, having buried that
feeling for so long, I once again hide who I am, in shame,
fear, and almost disgust. Nomore, nomore will I be ashamed
of who I am, I am gay, and that is who I am.