my memories were once repressed.
and now theyre flooding back.
in waves and waves
of regret and pain.
that is something i can never change.
i tried to start over.
im trying to be a new person...
but this feeling just gets harder and firmer with time
im tredding watter in all of this.
and im loosing the feeling in my legs.
and my mind.
im not crying for help.
because theres no one around.
no solid ground.
there is nothing.
nothing for me to cling to
everything moves and moves
change is never for the better.
but it IS inevitable.
im tired of this now.
im tired of telling myself im okay.
i cant pretend to not feel this way.
i cant do anything anymore.
there is only one way i know.
but i have to change.
but what else is there anyway.
sleep sex drugs. its all the same.
escape from reality.
for awhile pretend to not be here.
not have to think.
i am not okay with this.
i am not alright.
and i never was.
i lied to myself.
and i lied to the world.
and im giving up now.
im giving up on being alright.
ill never be.
and im too tired to fight.
its just the way things are.
silly girl trying to change the world.
such a pathetic silly girl.
hope is a misconception now.
its just another way to escape.
another path to take.
but they all lead to the same results.
and im too tired for this now.
i guess this means you win...
i guess this way leads to the end.
i guess i lost to you.
well fuck you everything.
just fuck you for being such assholes.
and fuck you for hating my love.
and fuck you for not knowing me.
and fuck you for making me bitter and sad.
and fuck you for letting this get to me.
and fuck you for giving me happiness and then taking it away
but i suppose its really all my doing.
and thats what really fucking sucks.
its all my fault.
but fuck you anyway.
just for getting in my way.