The Crazy Life of Troy, the Drama King!
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2002-09-22 20:46:16 (UTC)

I don't know...

I don't know what is wrong with me. I had such an awesome
time last night, yet I'm sad. Why do people want what they
can't have? Am I one of those that are attracted to the
assholes and I let the Prince Charming's slip through my

I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I just recently
came out and I'm just now getting used to this new
lifestyle. I think I'm one of those rare gay men that just
wants someone to cuddle with...someone to talk to...someone
to hold and gently kiss...I'm not all about the sex. I
mean, I'm not that sexually experienced when it comes to
men. I've been trying some stuff and I'm finding out what I
like and don't like...and I would like to try out some
more, but I'm just not all about the sex. I'm not all about
getting off. I could care less. I just want someone who
loves me for me.

I have so many thoughts running through my head. I find
myself thinking of two certain people who just happen to be
exact opposites. One is a sweetheart who I find myself
caring for deeply, but yet there is just something missing.
The other is someone I barely even know, yet I find myself
thinking about him when I shouldn't. I still haven't got
his side of the story yet and I'm still waiting for him to
come to me. That'll probably never happen...he didn't even
say hi to me last night...yet why do I still think of him?
And why am I compelled to call him and see if he wants to
spend the day with me?

I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm scared I'm going to. I
don't know how to just say what I'm feeling. I don't think
I just wanna be with just one person...I wanna weigh my
options and see what's out there for me. There are so many
more new people to meet. I feel like I'm a male slut saying
this, but so sue me! I didn't say I wanted to go out and
fuck every guy I meet. I just want to meet new people and
see what all there is to this new life that I have started
for myself.

Is there such thing as bisexual? I still find myself
checking out girls and strangly, I feel guilty. I mean, I
never really told any of my new friends that I was
exactly "bi." I STILL don't know what I am. I mean, when I
was in a relationship with my ex, I loved her to death. I
thought we were going to spend forever together. The
physical stuff was great too. I loved doing sexual things
with her. But yet I find that more guys are attracted to me
than girls, so I figure...why waste my time with girls that
are never gonna be attracted to me? Maybe I'm just reaching
out to anyone that's there that I think is going to care
for me. Maybe I was so scarred by my ex that I'm just
reaching out to anyone just to love me and be accepted...

I DON'T KNOW! All I know is that I'm very confused and I
wish someone would just cure this confusion for me! I don't
know which way to turn because I feel like no one
understands what I'm going through. I don't exactly want a
relationship, but yet I want someone to care for me on a
more intimate level...maybe I just don't want a
relationship with a certain someone and so I'm just
assuming that I don't want a relationship AT ALL.

Last night was sooo much fun. I had so much more fun last
night than last Saturday night. I love the Drag Shows. They
are great and they sang my song!! Asia is the coolest, she
is my new fave! I just feel so alive when I'm in the club
and I don't care what people think. I am GOING to have
fun!! Hehe, someone even asked me if I was drinking or if
I'm always this giddy. I just told him I'm just me and I'm
always this happy when I'm at the club. I love all my new
friends to death. I've never clicked with people like I
have with them.

So I guess all I need in life right now is my friends. I
love them to death and they make me happy. Relationships
will come when they do...I must be patient and know that
someone is out there for me.

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone
From this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love
Filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals with love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk
The wire are set to fall

Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
Now the future isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here...

-- "Call The Man" by Celine Dion

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