waxxbee

No longer out of touch
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2001-07-26 05:29:02 (UTC)

LIFE IS NO LONGER HELL!

Well, today I found out I may be doing something I thought I would never do in my life. I maybe going back to work for my family I guess it will be okay.Ill share with you why after 6 years I finally have a better chance at living the right way and trying to do the right thing on a daily basis,like going back to work for family. I had to think about what I said yesterday about the addicts and the drunks I use to work with. I shouldnt bash them like that.I used to be just like them. Thank god Ive been clean now for several months.There is probably nothing I havent done.Im just a normal guy and I know now im not as different from society as I thought I was.I came from A great family. Had any thing I wanted and more...When I was younger Ive always had this overwhelming feeling of not fitting in. I never did feel like I was a part of.So I turned to drugs .Pot gave me a little freedom for awile but It wasnt until I tried drinking that when my life changed.Drinking released all FEAR!It became my best friend. If I had a problem I could always solve it with drinking.It was fun for a while until it became an everyday thing for me.Drinking before school and then the rest of the day after school.

Around the 6th grade I started hanging out with some students that were a little older than me. I startd going off with them to shows up and down the east coast.GratefulDead shows.I really felt like I had found true friends when all I found were drugs.I was turned on to LSD,"pure"ecstasy-not that bullshit X thats dropping kids dead nowadays-,heroin,peyote,and some of the best kind bud in the states.Everything seemed right so I thought.This went on throughout high school. Dont get me wrong ther were a few good days but at the same time my drinking was increasing.School was becoming my last priority.I just wanted to go away. Someties I felt like if only I could just wake up One Day and be someone else or live in another place all my problems would just go away. It took me a Long Time to realize where ever you go you take yourself with you!I didnt know the difference between who my friends were and who were my enemies.Most of all I didnt know who I was any more.

After high school and a carwreck which I could have been held accountable for someones death but luckily I was the only one seriously injured,terrible relationships,fights with so called friends,every weekend parties with a half ounce of coke or more,prostitutes,strippers,and finally one day on my way to a school I was interested in.I fell out.I called my mother and she picked me up from my condo and took me to the hospital.I was shaking violently,
sweating,and having delerium tremens.I was only 18 years old.The docters said I was lucky to be alive.They even asked me if I took vitamins. I told them yes I did and they said that most likely helped me.I promised my self and others I would never do drugs again. What I didnt know is that in order for me to stay alive and well I had to abstain from alcohol as well.Do you really think I was going to give up drinking too and hell, pot wasnt even a drug to me at the time.I figured God grew it why not smoke it everyone else is.The first thing I did after I got out of rehab was go home, pop open a beer, and smoke ajoint it wasnt any longer than two weeks and I was back in full swing of things.This is around the time I started to drink in the mornings afew shots just to start my day off.school was completely nothing but a dream.Reality was deminishing into dust . Afew months later I found myself with another car. a brand new neon sports coupe and a call from my father. It seemed they wanted me to move upstate to learn the tricks of the trade of the family buisiness. I was excited that they wanted me to work for them in hopes of one day running the muti-million dollar establishment on my own.At this time I said this was it no more fucking around. I need to get my ass in check, pack up my stuff, leave this fast deadly life Im living, and get to work.So in March of 96 I left to go upstate to start my new life. So with a loaded down car, my cat,a bottle of vodka,and a bag of pot,I drove off to start this new life. Like I said before, You dont go any where without taking yourself with you!Four and a half hours later I reached my destination.It felt so good sitting on my grandparents couch,waiting on her cooking,going downstairs to take a couple of nips off the bottle,wandering when I could sneak outside to take a few tokes after they had
fallen asleep,and feeling good about not having those old friends using me,"I finally realize today thats all they were doing,sucking all the money, drugs,and booze they could" and how nice it was to be closer to the mountains, the spring air, oppurtunity to build new frienships with decent people. Though at the time I still didnt know who the hell I was or what I really wanted out of life, not thinking that whatever it might be I would have to work for it!Tomorrow was coming soon and it would be first time working for family.I was ready.
Well thats enough typing for tonight see you tomorrow with more of my story.Thank you God for another day.


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