girl, interrupted
2002-09-22 10:57:43 (UTC)

sunday 22nd

who am i kidding?

i don't miss you. well, i do, but only in the sense that i
always have done. you have never been a true mother to me.
i have never had a mother, and i have missed out on all
that should go with being parented...and everyday i
realise how much i miss that, there is always a new lesson
to be re-learnt. so i don't miss you, i miss the concept
you should have represented.

i don't want your stupid money. you have tried this
before. and you turn round and make me feel guilty that
you "try so hard for me" and then i don't try in
return...i don't want to accept anything from you because
i don't want you to think that i need you in someway, that
you have a role in my survival.

but maybe i will take it, maybe that will show you that
money isn't sufficient to buy me back, and that even if
you do give me money, even if you did fucking give birth
to me, it still does not mean i owe you anything.

you can tell them what you like, tell them how hard it is
for you to have an anorexic daughter, how your little girl
won't eat, won't talk to you. but i don't think they will
believe you, i think, i HOPE for their sake, that they
have more sense than that. is there not a reason that all
this came about? are you not that reason? are you not the
cause of your own apparent suffering? (forget my
suffering, of course, it can't be half as bad as it is for

so yeah, just tell them what the fuck you like. i used to
care what they thought. i let myself be dragged around and
abused and trampled on, just so they wouldn't think bad of
me. i know this is where the lies and manipulation really
begin...but i haven't got the energy to do anything about
it anymore. i know what you are like. i hope one day they
will know it too. you can't deny it, i am a witness.

maybe that's what scares you. maybe despite your mask, you
are scared that someone will realise what's really
there...a cold heart and evil lies. maybe you realise that
my cutting you out of my life is my realisation and
acknowledgement of that, you better do something
quick...give me some money to keep me sweet.

thing is, it will probably work. i am aware of your
manipulation but i am completely unable to escape it.

i just remembered something...i remember that school
morning, you were screaming at me, smacking went
on for ages. i didn't know how to make you stop. i was
scared. you were red, eyes bulging, you were mad. i ran
upstairs and got my piggy bank, and emptied it out into
your hand. giving you money was the only way i had to stop
you hurting me.

i owed you because i made your life so hard because i
wasn't the perfect daughter you wanted me to be.

i went to school and cried all day. i couldn't tell anyone
what the tears were for because that would have meant
revealing my badness. and it would have made you mad again
for me to have told what had happened, and next time i
wouldn't have any money left to make it up to you.