My thoughts exactly...
2001-07-25 22:50:23 (UTC)

it's just a little crush

I got too ancy waiting to write about crushes, now that
I've opened up that door.

First, I think I need to define "crush." Or, maybe that's
the obvious. Well, Merriam-Webster's definition, in this
context, says "an intense and usually passing infatuation
; also : the object of
infatuation." Well, that still leaves it somewhat broad.
Sometimes a crush can be seen as that attraction to someone
(sometimes only a one-way type of thing) that you
personally know, that you see every day; or even a crush on
someone famous, someone in the spotlight. In this type of
situation, even if you're open about it, it is an ongoing
thing. Sure, it may pass, or it may be something inside of
you that you'd never pursue.

I think it can also be a feeling 'on the fly.' Does that
even make any sense? There might even be a different word
for it- but it's when you see someone on the street, in a
store, at the airport, in a crowd- and you probably won't
see them again, but you know you'd be attracted. Not
really in the sense of "gawking" like some immature
teenager, but just the admiration of someone you saw in
passing. Would "crush" fall into that situation? Well,
that's how I'm going to use it sometimes.

OK - blah blah blah, I've rambled long enough, but all that
had to be said. Hmm, now where do I start? No particular
order here, but I think I have a crush on one of my close
friends. We've known each other quite a long time, and
she's always been someone I can lean on and trust. I don't
think I've ever had any feelings for her in the beginning,
but for some reason lately, she is on my mind. (You can
tell by now, I'm using "Mac's first definition
of 'crush'".) In all the time we've known each other, I
wanted to be a perfect gentleman, and not be all dumbass
and flirtatious. But I never really was attracted to her.
We just grew close.

I had not seen her regularly for a long time, ever since we
stopped attending the same university. But we kept in good
contact. Well now are lives are into a swing of sorts,
with regular jobs and all. And being back in the same
area, we get to talk and hang out a lot. And for some
reason, I have urges to be totally open and honest with
her. And I am, for the most part. I mean, there are some
things I've written here already that she doesn't know, but
there's nothing wrong with keeping things inside still!

One problem, though. She's married. I don't think I'd
pursue anything, of course. Her husband is a nice guy, and
they are good together. The thoughts in my mind that pass
are ones that I wish never crossed there! Stuff like, if
anything ever happened to him (no, I wouldn't do
anything!), then I may pursue her. But those are
those "bridges when you cross them" types of things. So I
put that far from my mind.

We have a lot of common interests, and I often wonder what
it is about the 'opposites attract' cliché. I guess that
works in some instances (such as their marriage!). And
maybe that's more true than not. I know of some people who
commonly share goals and such, and they tend to get on each
other's nerves. But not all. Just a thought.

Anyhow I hope I don't act on my feelings when we hang out.
I wonder if we would have worked out, if we hooked up.
Don't know. I'll stop with the what-if's. Just a waste of
time to think about things like that sometimes. Oh well,
life goes on, and my friendship relationship is great with
her, and I'm happy. She'll always be there for me, I
know. And I want to be there for her, too.

I don't think she'll ever know about this. It would
definitely change things, in our lives individually and
together. So there it is, ingrained into cyberspace.

I close,