My Heart and Soul....
Late one night...
Yea...so I find that the best time for me to write is late
at night. Especially on a Friday like tonight, when I've had
a whole weeks worth of shit building up, a whole night with
my friends, and not a whole lot of sleep the last week or so.
I wonder sometimes if people even read these?? I hope they
do, but then certain people...I hope they don't, because
there is a lot of incriminating things in here. Oh well. At
least I am learning to express myself to others...and it
So..this week: Was long. Meetings up the ass. A lot of
student council trying to plan homecoming, which stresses me
out. If you've been on student council in a small school,
you'll know. I'm the oldest member, so I get stuck with the
brunt of the work. This is good in a way, because at least I
know my senior homecoming will be mostly what I want. I like
having things my way!! :-) But it does get stressful. I got
elected Pres. of the Schools Model UN team. So I have tons
of work for my international law class to get ready for the
conference in November. Plus I'm being pressured to do
exceptinally well, so I can hopefully get a full ride to
Florida State (keep dreaming Jenn.)
Today, I got invited to go to a M.U.N conference in Mexico
city. I'm definately going to that. Just give me one more
club to be in. Why not. And I agreed to be a cheerleader,
and I'm being talked into doing the musical, and I'm pretty
sure I'm going to play softball...on top of trying to get
into great shape...because of the other thing today.
I met with an Army recruiter. Talked to him for a couple
hours. And it really sounds great. School, travel,
credentials, and a once in a lifetime experience. Thats all
of course if my FS thing doesn't come through. But if I do
decide to do that, I've got to get into awesome shape, so I
can kick butt in boot camp. (9 weeks, then off to Cali. to a
language institute for 63 weeks...then where ever I want to go.)
Ugh, and Homecoming is next week. I just don't know what
emotional state that puts me in. I was all flooey today
cause it was David's b-day. And it kills me, cause I miss
him so much. Which is sickeningly disgusting considering the
way he treated me. But if you've loved someone...you'll
know. And we have that special bond that you can only share
with "that person". My friends know what I'm talking about.
I just wish that I had more strenght to move on.
And speaking of moving on...it's called I'm still hooked on
someone that was out of my league 2 years ago, and is even
farther out of my reach now. But there is just something
that keeps me holding on. And that really pisses me off,
cause it shows how weak I am. I look around and wonder if I
will ever meet someone who challenges me the way I want to
be challenged, loves me for who I am, and isn't afraid to
tell me and the entire world. I know, I'm dreaming again.
But ya never know.
PLUS this whole homecoming thing just puts me in a rutt.
Lots of reasons there. A lot to do with the fact that it's
my senior year, and so many of the important people in my
life are missing. 4 of the girls I shared my entire
childhood with are not here with me, and I feel a void like
you wouldn't believe. I hate it, and I just want everyone
back together for one last shot. But I know that I can never
have that. Except maybe at my 18th b-day...which my sis Ams
can't even come to...my first b-day in 11 years that she has
missed. That's hard. And also...certain memories that I have
attatched to homecoming...I can't even bring myself to go to
the dance because of it. And homecoming weekend, I'm going
to have to get so obliterated in order to have a good
time...sometimes I just want to sit at home alone. But then,
I know from experience that wallowing in self pity is going
to get nowhere REALLY fast. It doesn't change the way I
feel, but at least it gives me a reason to go out and have a
good time, despite the fact that old ghosts will most likely
be haunting me ALL weekend. Mais, c'est la vie, non?
Ugh!! and since I'm venting...and I'm sure everyone has
stopped reading about 300 paragraphs ago...People piss me
off. Like guys who've known you TWO weeks, who tell you that
maybe people would like you more if you weren't so
depressive. Well here's one Mr. know-it-all...maybe people
would like you more if you took the time to understand them.
Don't criticize me, when you don't know shit about my
problems. And don't you dare try to tell me that you aren't
attracted to skinny, 5'5" blonde hair blue eyed cheerleaders
with big boobs, glass teeth, and the personality of a rock.
Not to mention the fact that they are conformist bithces who
couldn't think for themselves if their lives depended on it.
Great girls. Yea. That's it.
Wow. I never knew I had so much animosity in me. It's geat
to get it out. Perhaps this is why I can't get a
relationship to go beyond 4 months. (I know, it's sad. But
what can I say?)
AHHHH! and this too: Why does it feel like things are
falling apart. I look at my friends, and my choice of guys.
And I can't believe some of the decions I've made. I was
talking to my gram about a certain thing that occured when I
was 15. And I look back at it, and can't believe I would do
that. At 18, I am horrified at the fact that I would have
even considered it, let alone gone through with it. Don't
get me wrong. It wasn't like it was BAD...just bad timing I
guess. And that shit pisses me off, cause I feel responsible
for ruining something that could have been a lot different.
But then...that whole situation still confuses the piss out
of me, and now I'm going to be dwelling on it for a
while...so I'm just going to drop that right there, and hope
it shrivels and dies. :-
Then...my friends: Some of them are making SO many bad
choices that are going to totally alter their entire lives.
And while I don't agree with them, I feel like I owe it to
them as a friend to let them experience life on their own.
The most aggrivating would have to be my best friend from my
childhood being married. Right now is one of those times
when I just want to sit and talk to her all night long,
about stupid shit, wathcing retareded movies. But I can't,
because she's decided to get married. While I do support
marriage, and am VERY happy for her, I can't see how someone
can be 18 years old and know that they are ready to make a
commitment that will last the rest of their lives.
Sure...right now it's all good...but in 10 years when she
wants to pursue her career, and he's too busy working to
notice that she's spends all day raising kids....then what?!
Maybe be a child of parents who divorced because they rushed
into marriage unsure...I'm a skeptic. But I think that
people need to figure out who they are, before they decided
to share their life with another person forever.
And still others who are doing drugs that are illegal for a
reason. But it's betrayal is I try to get them help, and
abbaonment if I let them do their own thing. So where do you
WOW! if you are still reading I am impressed. Let me know if
you make it this far and still want to speak to me. Cause by
golly....I know I'm insane...But I haven't pushed the
envelope this far in quite a while. And certainly not to my
entire buddy list, when people that I am talking about are
at free will to read it. So really, let me know what you are
thinkging right now!! Any pointers.
Oh, and here's one: When your "sister" is so busy with her
new life in a great place...that shes too busy to even think
about you....that hurts. Conversation between two people who
have known each other for 12 years should not be forced. AND
people who are your best friend, and yet after 2 weeks of
different lives, you find that you have nothing to talk
about. It hurts me so bad.
I am so beyond stressed right now. I will never understand
the ways of this world, and why things are the way they are.
Yet, I would give anything to spend the day with someone,
catching up, and figuring out what the hell went wrong
between us. There are so many people that have walked out of
my life. And when I think about losing them, it kills me.
Color me stupid for sitting here at 1am on a friday crying
to a computer...but I'm sad, and lonely, and just want
someone to hug me, and tell me that they are there for me.
THAT would make my day.
OK ok ok...enough. I'm done. I don't want my depressive
personality turning any more people away. I'm sorry if this
upsets anyone. But at least ya'll know how I feel. Can't
blame a person for being honest can you?
I will talk to ya'll soon. I love you all....
With All My Love, GOD BLESS,
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