CWHITE

College Life
2002-09-20 05:45:46 (UTC)

9/20/02--1:31am

I just got back from hanging w/ the guys. I took Ty home
to get his car and have dinner w/ his family. His
girlfriend was there. And if looks could kill I would be
so dead. Ty has told her that we are just friends (of
course I would like more, but neither one of them know
that, so it really doesn't make any difference) but she
still hates me and Ashley. Some girls just have jealously
issues I guess (myself included). Speaking of Ashley, I
got so mad at her tonight. Anytime a guy pays me any
attention she has to make sure the spotlight goes to
her.That's what I get for trying to be friends w/ another
Leo who acts a lot like me. But then again, maybe its not
her doing that on purpose, she's so beautiful people just
naturally gravitate to her. Maybe I'm just emotional b/c
of these stupid diet pills I'm taking. I'm sure that is
what it is. They are making me crazy. And of course
everyone thinks I'm taking them b/c they give me energy.
God, it is so hard not to fall into my old patterns. I
wake up and every morning in the mirror all I see is a fat
disguisting blob. I hate myself. I just want to know who
I am. Maybe I really am an anorexic, emotional loser. I'm
just not ready to admit that yet. I really do want to be
different. I hate that I feel like I'm not worthy of
anything when guys or people in general for that matter
don't fall all over me. I detest being such a needy
person. But of course no one knows I'm such a needy
person, I know. And even though I pretend that as long as
others don't know then its not real, I can't fool myself
for forever. I hate people like me, so why am I this way?
Oh well, some answers only come w/ time.

CSW




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