Emilie

don't know what to do

I'm 20. I tried keeping a diary when I was a little girl
but it was only kept up for a short length of time. Now,
I'm going to try to keep it up. Sooo here goes nothing.

I'm 20 and I have so many frustrations inside of me it's
not even funny. Most of it having to do with my disease. 3
1/2 months ago, I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I'm
not a slut. I loved him, and even though we weren't
together, I still slept with him. I was 20 when I got this
and 14 when I met him. And we had been off and on since
then. I know I got it from him, because there was no one
else in my life, yet he deny's it. Saying he's not "burnt"
for all that don't know, that means you know "got something
or got an STD" What frustrates me is that now, I'm soo
scared to be intimate with someone, or to even start a
relationship with another guy. I'm afriad that all men are
going to get rejected. Then there is the thing of when is
the right time to tell him. Everyone says that you don't
have to say anything until you know it's time to have sex
with this person. But then to me, when I am ready to have
sex with him (I'm not into casual sex) I really am going to
be emotionally involved with him. Which then complicates
things b/c if he can't deal with this...I'm
heartbroken..once again. I don't think I can deal with that
all my life.(YOu can still have sex when you have this...if
anyone doesn't know. HSV is like cancer. You have sudden
outbreaks that are treatable, and then when the outbreak is
gone, you are in a "remission" stage, and the disease goes
dormant. While this disease is dormant you cannot give this
to anyone....
Then I'm worried that I will be lonely for the rest of my
life. What should I do..go out and date a guy with the same
disease as me so he can relate...if so..how do I go about
doing that..start going up to guys and say, "do you have
herpes?? I do. Wanna date me?" or better yet: Put an ad in
the paper...Come on...get real. I don't know of any
support groups...I cry myself to sleep somenights until I
have a headache just thinking about it. I hate hanging out
with my friends and their boyfriends..b/c then I am always
the 3rd wheel and then I have to watch them do all the
boyfriend and girlfriend things together...I HATE IT.
Everyday, I hate myself for this...Everyday I hate him for
this..And I keep asking myself...Why couldn't it have been
pregnancy or something curable??? I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS
THE REST OF MY LIFE...AND I'M ANGRY..I'M FURIOUS..I REALLY
HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES.. Then it makes me mad, you have all
these girls that are 18 and have been with 20 guys or that
are just not careful...and they don't get it. why me? Will
I ever find happiness???

Em