lonlybuttrfli

lonlybuttrfli
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2002-09-20 03:17:04 (UTC)

open old wounds

ouch... i don't know what to think of this all... apparently
bo just got done talking to laurend about me... lauren
sent me the convo... hey if bo and katie can cheat, then
so can i... i love lauren... she completely stood up for
me while i can't say anything to bo. i like her so much...
it's hard to forget and pretend it's ok... i thought things
would be better if i ignored it all... if i was to pretend
nothing happened... duh... bo's getting along fine...
apparently bo has a problem with me 'denying that i
want her' but i didn't deny it... i admited it... i was shot
down... i am trying to move on here... i get so far... then
they pull me back again... i just want to forget
everything... i want my friend back dammit... isn't that
what i've said all along... bo says that if i admit i like her
then she has a choice... she can choose b/w me and
katie and ernst... what the hell... i am not running for
office here... i am sick of fucking auditions (had another
today... it went awful) but yet she goes on to say that her
and katie are solid... but they don't talk much anymore...
what the hell?? i'm the one who needs to make up their
mind here?! i am not about to admit anything to bo... i
don't have to... i shouldn't have to prove myself to
anyone... why can't she understand that? why can't i talk
to her? i can't tell her anything... i am trying to stay out of
this... i want her to be happy... duh i have said this for
the longest time... i am willing... and i have, stepped out
of the ranks so as not to upset things b/w them... i will
remain on the sidelines...

i have decided that i needn't decide what i am... when
people ask me i reply: 'gosh, i don't know... may i inquire
as to what value your knowlege of my sexuality is?'
cocky, eh? i just wish... amanda would stop ignoring
what i really feel... how i am...

perhaps i am... this just opens old wounds...


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