jacqui

my hidden sadness
2001-07-25 13:58:24 (UTC)

(none)

I don't even know what I want to write.
I feel... depressed. Sometimes I can be laughing and the
next second, some asshole niggling thought will come from
nowhere, shoot through my brain and leave it in the same
state a tornado leaves its warpath. Even if I am in the
highest mood I've ever been in, in a split second it can
all crashe down and collapse on top of me, suffocating me.
My friends will keep laughing, not seeing my sudden drop in
tempo. Not noticing the strain on my face or the tears in
my eyes. Thoughtless people and their thoughtless words hit
me in the heart like a thousand knives stabbing me at once.
All of a sudden I can't breathe, I can't think, all I can
do is cry, cry, cry. Cries that fall on deaf ears. Tears
that are seen by blind eyes. Violent trembling that is
sensed by an unfeeling touch. They don't know how alien I
am to them. They don't know how I leap from centre of the
circle to outer edges in a heartbeat. Nobody knows my
pain, and I suspect it will be a long time before they do.
It's really not their fault. You can't be on the lookout
for everything at everymoment. A technical fault maybe?
Yes it's shallow. Yes it's superficial. But it's also real.
I deal with being what I see as the uglietst 14 and 10/12
of a year old in Australia. Just now I decided to torture
myself. I dug up Jess' thoughtless email from that fight we
had so long ago. This email was particularly awful for me
to read.
First, she started by saying she hated me (I had called her
a dumbass, genuinely forgetting her sensitivity about that
label) and that I was immature. She went on to say that
there were a list of people who hated me for being so
immature and upsetting their precious Jessica. Icing on
the cake, she completely ignored my cry for help and
instead made the whole letter about how awful I am.
I had already spent the weekend dwelling on my looks,
hoping that I at least had some kind of social
compensation. But she blundered on, completely unaware, and
completely destroyed my self confidence. Her family will
always resent me for making poor JEss cry, and yet my
family will never know how deeply she destroyed me.
Every time I write in this fucking diary I start crying
what THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE. 50% of the time I'm so
happy-go-lucky and easy to please, and then my dark side
takes over and the world ceases to turn.
I do feel thoroughly destroyed, especially when I think
that she will sleep easily tonight in her bed. IT's been
months since I replied that email. TEary eyed, I stupidly
confided to the most insensitive person I have ever met,
secrets never unfolded.
I swear to god, I am not a violent person. I never threaten
people and I never hit, unless its a friendly punch or slap
on the back. BUt I swear to jesus on his cross that if she
EVER even started considering thinking about telling anyone
about my insecurity, I would take no hesitation in knocking
her to the ground. ANd the strange thing is, it would
almost be better if she beat me (though with my build and
muscle tone/fitness and skills, plus throbbing rage on my
side I'd have a VERY good chance) but if she beat me, I
could tell her that I hope she feels real good about
herself. First I'm ugly. Then she takes away my self
confidence in my personality, then, as a final cheated
victory, she steals my last shred of decency, causes me
physical damage, and emerges a wicked destroyer.
TO put that out in the ring would be a big risk, but it
will happen one day, and www.my-diary.org will be the first
to hear my written account of it.
I'm sure Jess won't need to be retold of it, cos it will be
imprinted on her broken nose for her.
*I've decided to use real names, so in prev. entries where
I wrote "Tiff", that was JEss I was talking about. I find
it hard to change names.. it changes my feelings somehow,
and my anger. I need to keep this real
bye