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2002-09-19 21:51:18 (UTC)

James Baldwin.

I read a story for english, about a man who lost someone
that lost someone that he was on bad terms with. This
whole essay made me come to a terrible realization about
the way some things are right now in my life.

He tells about his last fight with the person who died,
and says " that was all we said. it was awful to remember
that that was all we EVER said." this line just made me
freeze. i remember the last thing i said to someone that
meant alot to me. I screamed at him and told him all his
faults in a terrible manner. and his last words were "just
leave me be". So here i sit, wondering how i'd live if
that was the last words i ever said to that person. the
future is so uncertain and the fact that i could say
things like this at time, makes me sick. who do i think i
am? Baldwin goes on to discribe that later on, when he'd
hear that persons favorite song, he'd feel like he was
there with him again. And i feel that now with some
people. Although they are alive, they are dead to me. and
all i have is the memories and feelings in my heart of
what it was like before. I was just scared when i read
this. Anything could happen, and i dont tell people i care
about them as much as i should. Either way, i do love so
many peopl ewith all my heart. Photographs, are perfect
examples of memories in my heart. i can look at a picture
and see the person, see who they are, and what they mean
to me. A picture is worth a million words? or so they say.

I almost feel cursed. NO matter what i do, or how i react,
i get shafted. I see through peoples exterior covers and i
see who they are and what most of them are about... Some
people i still am searching to understand. But there are
many people who despite them knowing or despite what they
want, i know so much about. Its just a thing i have. I can
tell alot without anything. I just wish taht some day i
can use this for something good. Becuase i wish i didnt
see what i see, cause sometimes finding out who people
really are hurts. And i think id be better off not knowing
a thing... I should get back to work.

Tonight we hung out in gregs room. Tyler, Mike, Amber and of corse
sara were there... oh man i forgot big BOB was there.. jeez he was
extra creepy tonight.

anyways, tonight i talked to someone, and i realized im stressing
over things i really dont have control over. ha not like that will
help but either way. its the truth...

download bush *inflatable. its such a beautiful song, it makes me
cry each time i hear it. im not so sure why, but to me its so sad.
and it brings back a ton of memories. And it hurts. but so doesnt
everything......... "so pretty in white, so pretty when your
faithful, when your faithful" haha im out... good night all

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