Meeting Myself... For the First time.
Well here it is. I'm a month into school and for the most
part it's going better than normal. Usually I'd already
have messed up big time on the classes that mattered. By
now I would have gotten well on the road to dropping at
least one class and pretending it was a foolish accident. I
seem to be getting my self hatred well in reign.
You see. For a long time, since about the second grade I'd
be what my family members lovingly referred to as "Cardiac
Chuck" meaning I'd have more than failing grades and at the
last minute pull out my ace in a hole and pass the class. I
went through most of my gradeschool career and all of my
highschool doing this, at first it was just because I was
I didn't want to waste my time with schooling and if I had
to, well then, I wouldn't do it well. I was selfish,
spoiled, and stupid. But at least I didn't really realize
why I was doing it. Since the end of kindergarten I had
worked on a downward spiral that slowly but surely killed
my chances at scholastic aptitude. I'm not stupid. I'm not
stupid by any stretch of the language. Sure I make spelling
and grammatical errors, but everyone does.
I'm smart by damn! But that's why I was able to pull my
grades up at the last minute. The point is, WHY? Why would
I put myself through such stress and my parents through
anguish over something as petty as schooling? Maybe it was
minor rebellion. I never did any major rebelling against my
parents. I never went out and got stoned, drunk, or f**ked.
I was a relatively good kid.
The thing was, something happened in my past. Will I tell
what happened? No, frankly if I cannot remember it then it
cannot be told. But something happened, I know it did, I
can still feel the remnants of the fears that must have
gripped my very soul in my youth. I know it is blocked out,
and I have no desire to go searching for it... instead, I'm
just searching for a way to fix it.
My GPA in this school is less than stellar. I've been on
student probation twice for low grades, and the fact is,
while my "Cardiac" skills grew, so did the difficulty of
the classes. No longer were they classes that one wonderous
grade at the end could fix. They needed adequate grades
from beginning to end. And while there were some that I
would be adequate or even excell at most withered on the
vine and eventually turned to the proverbial dust that
everyone talks about.
Now, I could bring up the fact that Albert Einstein was a
true genius and he didn't do well in school.. but am I
Einstein? No.. I wish. The fact is, I could point out any
number of things to try and justify why I messed up, but
the blame all comes back to one thing. Me. I did this to
myself, and I have been working to fix this in myself for
Either how, I believe I've finally fixed it, or at least
begun a long and tedius road to fixing which may someday
open my world to new and beautiful things. It's not that I
don't like learning, I love learning. It's just that for
some reason, when I'm in an enclosed school environment I
sabotage myself. Many times I don't even realize it's been
sabotaged until it comes up and slaps me in my face at the
end of class, or when I realize it's either to fill out a
drop slip or get another of those giant "F"s on my
Wish yourself luck and pat yourself on the head Chuck,
cause you may finally be getting your shit together.
You may finally be beginning to believe in yourself...