The Story of Me
2001-07-25 05:34:42 (UTC)

Old Journal...Bringing up the past

Okay...just a fair warning to the people I know. One of the
reasons I made my first journal private was because of this
entry. So, if you don't want to know some stuff...skip over
this entry and go to the next, it's long and not
too interesting. Just something that I had to write.

So...Nice title huh? And there is a past that I need to
talk about, I'm just not quite sure how to, or where to
start. All I know is that I have to get this all out in
order for me to start to heal. And that is something that I

When I started dating Mike, I thought everything was
picture perfect. He was in the same crowd of friends that I
had, everyone seemed to like him. We had great
conversations, and our relationship moved pretty fast. I
was sixteen and a sophomore in high school, and he was
almost 19 and had graduated the year that I was a freshman.
In my eyes he was perfect. He would write me letters every
night, buy me flowers for no reason at all, write me poems.
Things were good. I was 16 and in love. what greater
feeling is that. Of course things had to change. The more
serious Mike and I got, the more he changed. And of course
everyone expects the romance to die off a little bit, but
this was totally different. It was little things at he would tell me that I couldn't wear a
certain shirt of mine because he didn't like it, or it
would bring attention to myself. He didn't want me to cut
my hair or to wear makeup. So I let it go, I figured that I
could make some meaningless sacrifices to make him happy.
Then come to find out, Mike was cheating on me with one of
my friends. She wasn't the closest friend of mine, but we
got along and didn't hate each other. Just another person
in my extensive friend group. I should have seen it
earlier. Mike had been living in her basement since he got
kicked out of his house. But of course being 16, very
naive, and wanting to trust the person I was in love with,
I ingored all of my friends warnings. Not only that, my
mother was telling me that Mike was no good for me, but the
thought of losing him tore me up inside.

Fast forward about 6 months or so. My mother ended up
calling my friends dad (we weren't too good of friends
after this) and told him that his daughter and Mike were
sleeping together. Of course this did not settle well, and
Mike got kicked out of her house. So he stayed in a motel
for about a week...which happened to be right down the road
from me. Of course "she" was over there more than I was.
After a week, my friends dad set Mike up in one of the
apartments that he owned, and i sort of moved in with him.
On weekend and holidays anyway. I couldn't stay when i had
school the next day. But of course this being my friends
fathers property, she had a key, and would take every
opportunity to drop by and disturb him (and me if i were
there). She would go into the apartment and take belongings
of mine when no one was there and burn them. Yeah, kinda
pissed me off. We became true enemies. If you know what
it's like to compete for a guy who lies whenever he opens
his mouth, then you know what I mean. He would tell me that
he was only with me, only wanted to be with me, and that he
didn't care for her. Then he would turn around and say the
same thing to her. So, I was his "weekend" girlfriend
without knowing it. Great for me.

But this is when things were still semi-good. My former
friend and I kind of ganged up on the same team to expose
Mike, and that worked for about a month or so. We both
promised to break things off with him, but neither of us
kept our promise, so we really didn't get anywhere. On the
other hand, Mike must have been living the life...with two
girls who both thought that the other wasn't dating him
anymore. How much better can you get what you
want from two people, and they don't know what kind of trap
they set up for themselves.

So Mike moved a couple more times, and "her" parents went
through a divorce, so she was preoccupied with her family
issues to spend time with Mike. things just kind of fell
apart with the two of them, for the first time since our
relationship started, I was the only one in Mike's life. Of
course that didn't last for long. I of course didn't know
that until much later, so for now I will stick to the story
at hand. I think that Mike blamed me for what happened with
him and "her" and he started drinking in a bad way. I
really don't know when I really noticed. I must have been
in my junior year of high school, and a little over a year
into my relationship with Mike. He would have parties
almost every night. So I would sit there and make friendly
conversation with his drunk friends, and then clean up when
everyone was done. What a good little girlfriend I was. By
this time, i was trying to get on with my life, and I had
just gotten my first set of wheels and didn't have to rely
on Mike to be my taxi. This I thought was a good thing. I
figured that when Mike started running his mouth at me I
could leave...that did not work. He wouldn't let me leave.
I've never been good with handling guilt trips, and he
always seemed to lay the best ones on me. I would feel
guilty. But then of course I would turn into a real bitch
and get really resentful towards him. So I would sit there,
night after night, while he ignored me, and the only time
he would speak to me was to call me some crude name or to
be his "beer bitch". Then of course when everyone left, he
would be all sweet and kind because he wanted to get me
into bed. And of course if I refused to sleep with him, he
would tell me that he doesn't think that I loved him
anymore and give me the silent treatment for days at a time.

See...I probably would have been contented with just this.
But of course when things are this bad, they usually get
worse, but it gets worse really gradually that you don't
really notice until you open your eyes and say "what the
hell happened to this great relationship that I had??"

I got used to the names he called me when he was drunk. I
really did. Usually he just forgot about it, or else he
would apologize and we would kiss and make up...just like
the good couple. I still remember the first time that I was
honestly scared to death of him and what he could do to me.
We were sitting around at his apartment, waiting for people
to come over for his nightly party. His roomate was playing
jeopardy on the computer and mike and I were playing a game
of 31. We got into a discussion about the rules. We both
had different rules that we played by. i would have played
by his, it's only a stupid card game. But him...he
literally threw me across the room and held me about 4
inches off the floor by my neck. There was something in his
eyes...pure evil, that's the only word i have for it. So I
did like any woman and kneed him...hard. And then i hid in
the bedroom, locked the door and cried for half of the
night. I never thought that he would resort to violence.
Then his friends all arrived and he pulled the
usual "ignore Tracey" routine. One of his friends ended up
talking to me the entire night. I think that this was the
first thought that I had of actually getting out of this
relationship. I knew that I had to have a serious talk with

So we talked. Yeah, he apologized for what he did. And when
I brought up the topic of splitting up, or at least taking
a break for awhile, he blew up at me. I can't remember the
things he said to me...but mainly along the lines of...No
body else will ever love you, nobody loves a stupid smart-
mouthed bitch. Trust me, it wasn't a one time thing. If I
did something wrong, stepped over the line just a
fraction...that's when the hitting started. He threatened
me if I ever left him. He would threaten to kill me and any
guy that I ever went out with after him. I stopped hanging
around my friends, mainly because he wouldn't let me. If I
wasn't with him every night, he would track me down until
he found me. To avoid a scene I would just leave...and know
what was to come. And to think that I never told any of my
friends this. I never told anyone any of this. I've been
carrying this around all this time. That's why I'm telling
it now.

Fast forward again about a year. Not much changed. Mike
drank even more. He still had parties. So I am just going
to tell of the few things that happened. I suffer from
migranes, and they get really bad sometimes. They last well
over 12 hours, and of course, I have no warning of when
they are coming. They just do. So of course I end up with
one at one of my friends house. he gives me some medicine
and I take it without asking what it was. Turns out it was
his mothers migrane medicine. One will do the trick, and
two will make you pass out. yeah, i took 3. I freaked. I
went to Mikes thinking that he would be just a bit
concerned that i was barely on the verge of concsiousness.
He was at a neighbors watching wrestling on pay-per-view.
he told me he would be over when it was done. I was livid.
So I layed on the couch, tried to keep myself from passing
out. I couldn't move, I felt completely paralyzed. But I
heard him come in the house with some of his friends. Don't
ask me who...most of this is all fuzzy. But i remember Mike
taking my arm, and letting it fall over and over again. And
each time I would end up hitting myself in the face. him
and his friends had a field day with this one, each time
Mike saying something about how stupid I was for taking
medicine that didn't belong to me. Here I was, my mind
racing, thinking that I needed some emergency care, and he
was having the time of his life making me hit myself in the
face. I think that was the first time I really started
hating him.

Then came the worst moment of my life. Mike and I had been
fighting and we hadn't talked in a couple of days. I went
over to find him and two of his friends drinking. I took
one look at him and reached for the door. he was faster and
ripped my keys out of my hands and left me with a huge gash
on my hand. I really didn't feel it, I just saw all of the
blood. One of his friends ran for a bandaid. Of course
having stood up to mike for the longest time, I kicked him
in the shin until he threw my keys at me and told me to get
the fuck out. Of course I should have left it at that and
left for good. But i didn't. I know I shouldn't blame
myself but I do sometimes. So I took a long piece of metal
pipe and had really good intentions of hurting him in the
worst attacking his precious new tool box. this
guy spent 8,000 dollars on a limited edition tool box, and
didn't let anyone touch it. So I had really good intentions
of putting a few dents into it. But as soon as i raised
that pipe, he grabbed it out of my hand, closed the door
and trapped me in a corner. I yelled the first thing that
came to my mind and said "Open that door now, I want there
to be witnesses" And for the first time in my life I was
seriously scared for my life. He could have beat me to
death with that. And to think that his friends sat there in
his living room and didn't step in. that is what made me
the angriest. Of course that great night doesn't end there.
I finally turned to leave, and of course having a big
mouth, I must have said something smart. It was certainly
enough for him to chase me outside. Luckily, me being
faster I was able to get into my car and lock the doors
before he got to me, I started the car, put it in reverse
and backed out, and when i put it in drive and started to
drive away, Mike runs right out in front of my car. I
should have plowed his ass, but I slammed on the brakes,
and when I tried to drive away again, he put his fist
through my windshield. Yeah, it was a great night. i called
the police, and I tried to request a restraining order
against him, and they wouldn't grant that. They said that I
could either have one put on him or have him replace my
windshield. That made me a bit mad. He is the one that
broke it, but since he said that I tried to run him over,
they couldn't place the fault on him. Bastards. So I got my
windshield replaced, and while he had my car for that day,
he stole my cd player in my car and sold it to my own
cousin for 50 bucks.

Any normal person would have left him for good after that
one right? I'm not exactly normal.

I don't remember how much longer I stayed with him. He
moved again, and our relationship was slowly going down the
tubes. We didn't see each other as often, maybe only twice
a week, and by this time I didn't love him anymore. I knew
things were ending. And I really didn't care. there was
this one night that I went out with my friends and was out
until 3 in the morning or something like that. and on my
way home, I decided to stop in and stay with Mike. Of
course he was drunk (he lived on top of a bar). but when I
walked into his apartment, he sat up, looked at me and
said "where the hell have you been, you bitch?" with that,
I left, and never looked back.

Of course hindsight is 20/20, and I see what went wrong and
the direction that the relationship was headed in. I didn't
see that then, and I dealt with all of that bullshit for 3
years. but I am glad that i got out when I did, and I am
happier because of it. I just needed to tell my story to
someone that will listen (telling it to myself will work).
and now that I acknowledge it, I can learn to deal with the
extreme emotional scars that he has left me with. I am not
the same person. I used to love myself, I don't have much
self-esteem anymore. I hate that. I just want my life back.
But everyday it gets better.

Thanks for listening

Goodnight and God bless