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2001-07-24 23:49:41 (UTC)

What the H*LL!

I hate this world...I am so pissed I wrote and entry and
then deleted it because I couldn't even deal with it
anymore...Society is so screwed up in making people
question themselve...make them think less of
themselves...what is up with that...grr...I hate them...I
hate you right now...I hate everyone and everything for
twisting peoples perspectives. Pat is making all the peers
feels insignificant. What is going on with that...They are
all great kids and well, she doesn't have the right to do
that. I don't understand any of it. And well, the
Christine(s) their image of themselves have been twisted by
society into thinking that they themselves are monsters
because they don't match what they think is society's ideal
woman. Fuck this...excuse my language, but I wanted to
convey my anger at this situation. I hate this...I hate
you for making this...Please...make it better...make it go
away...let it be fine...please let it be fine...

I would just like to add that when people have bad feelings
like the following there is something wrong with society
(it's not me, but it could could be any teenager
caught in a hurricane of emotions) ...

2001-07-16 03:25:43
Killing myself....

Why does my suicidal impulses always strike during the
summer. I just almost killed myself a minute ago. I was
sitting their w/ Drain acid, and i had placed it on my
lips, when my dad walks in.
It was because i was going to on the
dates....remember. Legally blonde? Well, my dad comes home
late, and gives me all this shit. Like i had to memorize
some vocabularay ( for the fucking SAT), and then , he
wanted me to start eating lunch. The movie was going to
start soon, in like 5 minutes, and it takes at least like
12 minutes to get there. and here he was making me eat. I
finally gave up, and just wnet and started crying on my bed.
It got worse and worse. I found myself cutting myself w/ my
fingers. I coudln't feel antyhign. I was going numb. I
began beating myself w/ my brush......My arms are still
red, and blotched. then i start banging my head against the
wall really hard. I've never felt so uncontrollably
strange. My dad couldn't stand it. He's like why don't you
just go goddamit to the stupid movie? By now the movie was
1/2 hour trhough the beginning. This is when i really
wanted to kill myself. { the feeling of my cuts just start
to kick in about right now.......}. Then, he told me to
clean my room, and clean the bathtub. I was going to drink
the liquid cleaning acid, and it was up to my lips, and i
was just about to drink, when he came in and told me to
stop being stupid. I sat their, cryig for more than an
hour, repeating to myself " your pathetic, your pathetic"
while sitting in teh cold white tub. Entirely alone, and w/
no help. Then i crawled back to bed, and kept crying. My
life's horrible. It wasn't just the movie. But you have ot
udnerstand that i have 3 summer classes, and i look forward
to noghting but having fun on the weekend, and this one has
been ruined. Like every other one. I go from 10 in the
morning to 8 at night with nothing but goddam classes
and yet i can't even have fun on the weekend. It's alos
this combined w/ like 50 million other problems in my life.
Including sexual molesting ( when i was really young ) and
just being practically locked in my room my entire life. Oh
well, what can i do? I'm pathetic. I'm ugly, fat, stupid.
Nothing compared to any one in my family. I'm the family
faliur. Always being compuared to my beautiful, genius,
perfect cousin who also has much fun and in my
consideration a close to perfect life. I found some car
keys that we keep in teh bathroom cabinet for the spares. I
began carving into my arm, till it bled.
Oh dad's coming......bye

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