TheReeve

My Life
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2002-09-18 02:20:14 (UTC)

Unattainable

I always want things I can't have. I'm not trying to be
jealous, but it just isn't fair when people who are in
college have these incredible jobs and can afford to live
the lifestyle that I dream of already. I work hard...and
I'm on the right path. I've got my internship, I'm
graduating in three semesters, I feel like I'm ahead or
right on target with the rest of the game. So, naturally,
when those few exceptions find those amazing part-time
jobs, it makes me angry.

Also, London. I want to study abroad. I can't afford it.
My friends that have gone tell me that they took out a loan
and that they don't think they'll ever regret it. It's a
once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing. Why can't I do it?
Because my parents don't understand that. They don't want
me to be in debt because of a summer in Europe. But I know
I'll resent them for not wanting me to go later. I can go
adn possibly get a partial scholarship to cover it, but the
catch is that I will have to commit to going before I know
if I got the scholarship. So that won't help much with my
argument against my parents.

Anyway, there are other things bothering me. Barrett.
This is so unhealthy. I mean, there's nothing I don't like
about him. And it's not necessarily a crush thing...it's
more of an I-want-to-tell-you-who-I-really-am thing. I
need some gay friends. My life just isn't working the way
it is.

For me, this coming out thing is like a twelve step
program. I've taken the first one...which, for me, is not
pretending to be straight anymore. I mean, I'm not making
comments to fit in with "the guys" anymore, and when people
ask me if I'm looking for a girlfriend, I tell them no.
Little things like that. But it's a step closer than I've
ever been. I'm moving forward. But right now it, like
everything else, is just a bit out of reach.


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