woman

you, sir, offend me...

it was the little things at first. maybe that's all it is
but when you add them up over time and try to imagine them
or the next 30 or 40 years of your life, they become
monumental. i'm 26 and he's 32; too young to be acting this
old. shit, i'm too young to feel this used up.

perhaps it's...

...that he stopped unlocking my car door from the outside
first.

...that he doesn't reach for my hand to hold anymore.

...that he's forgotten how to whisper in my ear.

...that compliments are few and far between now.

...that he never would rub my tense back or neck muscles
after a 12 hour day because "it made his hands hurt". pussy.

...when we stopped grocery shopping together. he does all
of his grocery shopping on his own and i get to do mine when
i like. often, when i go, i shop for "us" still. stupid, i
know. i promise to stop as of this moment.

...when i got saddled with managing all of the bills and
finances without even a conversation about it.

...that the most passion i stoke in him these days is when i
manage to make him jealous.

...that now that we have our own home and i can and do spend
sundays walking around naked after my shower if i like.
this does not usually get his attention. i don't recall
anything ever coming of any of those naked afternoons.

...that lately a disagreement ends in me getting the silent
treatment for a couple days at a time.

-insert, 07.24.01, 10:53 am-
...that i don't get to lean up against him on the couch ever
because it's always "too hot". - (last night)
...has absolutely refused to ever take me to work when i have
had car trouble. he'd rather make me wait an hour for him to
get ready and take twice as long to get in as it would have
had we carpooled. (this morning, my tire went flat)
(what the fuck am i doing with this guy?)
-end-

i think i'll keep updating this list as i'm reminded time
and again why i'm not content with him as a life partner.

i need someone exciting, spontaneous, fun, intelligent,
active, loving, sharing. and if i can't find everything i
want in one person, i'll just have to consider polyamorous
arrangements. my friend hawke and his household seem happy
enough with their lifestyle choice. alexia seems to be
getting her needs met as she explore this option right now.

right now, though, i need to sort out the details of ending
this relationship, living through the lease, and then moving
on to living with and loving myself for awhile.

i like the idea of living alone. i've never done it before.
everyone always says it's lonely but no one ever seems to
regret having done it. i need the time to just explore me.