megan

listen to my silences
2002-09-17 14:59:11 (UTC)

AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH ! ! ! !

WARNING: THIS ENTRY WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU MAD. I DON'T
CARE.

SIDE EFFECTS: DO NOT READ IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE
TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FEEL. AND DON'T READ IT IF YOU'RE GOING
TO APOLOGIZE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT BECAUSE WORDS ARE
MEANINGLESS.

DIRECTIONS: READ EVERY WORD AND THINK

yesterday was a very good day. i got one hundred percent
on a math exam and ninety eight on a spanish quiz. i had
an interesting and fun time at school. chemistry
was...chemistry but i was in a good mood so i didn't care.
and english was great as always. i left there and called
jon. we talked for a little bit but he was eating and i
was driving anyways, so he said he'd call me back. i got
home and watched tv with mom for a little bit. jon called
me back and we talked for about ten minutes cause he had to
get off the phone. and right before we hung up is where it
all went to...yeah. though i didn't realize it until i got
online.

let me set up the situation here: jon and i got in a huge
fight last week about him following through on his word. i
mean i WENT OFF to say it mildly. and ever since then he's
been really good about following through. he's been
wanting me to come and see him play soccer, and he has a
game tonight versus new albany. well, i never have
anything to do on tuesdays, and i didn't remember planning
anything, so i said yeah, i'd go. i do have an english
paper to write, and he's got two games. he said if i can
only come to one, then come to the varsity one. i said
okay i'll be there. we hung up. me feeling very satisfied
cause we'd had a good conversation and the day had been
great. then i got online.

cosper started talking to me, which in itself is not a bad
thing. he reminded me that we had practice tonight. the
SAME TIME as the second game. OOPS. i started freaking
out. i explained the situation to him, or TRIED to
anyways. obviously i didn't do a very good job of it
because he started freaking out on me. saying jon doesn't
have the right to make me feel bad if i can't go to his
game, since he's done stuff like that to me before. TURN
THE OTHER CHEEK!!! HELLO??? DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT
ONE??? I TOLD JON I WOULD GO. YEAH, I SAID I'D BE AT
PRACTICE TOO FOR US. BUT LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING...HOW
MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID I COULDN'T MAKE IT AT THE LAST
MINUTE??? NOT TOO MANY, IF ANY. I CAN'T THINK OF ANY
RIGHT NOW BUT I'M SURE YOU CAN. NOW COMPARE IT TO HOW MANY
TIMES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE THAT, OR NOT EVEN SHOWED
UP!!! IT'S LIKE ZILCH COMPARED TO THEIRS!!! LOOK, I'M
SORRY. I'LL BE THERE WHEN I CAN. BUT I CAN'T EXACTLY YELL
AT JON FOR SOMETHING THAT PISSES ME OFF AND THEN GO AND DO
THE SAME THING TO HIM. IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!

and in the middle of this, kelly im'd me. which, in itself
is not a bad thing either. she wanted advice on a guy.
she doesn't really know him and i told her she should get
to know him. she wanted to know how. i said she should
have him come over and hang out with her and some of her
friends, since she'd already hung out with him and some of
his friends. she said that her friends are a lot younger
crowd and she acted differently around him than us. i said
she should always be herself. she said she always was, but
around him she acted older than when she was with
us, "something (she) should be doing more often anyway".
HELLO, IF YOU'RE ACTING DIFFERENTLY AROUND HIM THAN YOUR
FRIENDS THEN YOU ARE NOT BEING YOURSELF. AND AFTER HANGING
OUT WITH HIM YOU THINK YOU SHOULD CHANGE HOW YOU ARE???
REMEMBER SAYING THIS: "I WILL NEVER CHANGE MYSELF FOR A
GUY"? WELL YOU DID SAY IT. AND I'M SORRY IF YOUR FRIENDS
ARE TOO YOUNG FOR HIM. YOU'RE ONLY ONE YEAR OLDER THAN I
AM AND YOU'RE NOT TOO YOUNG FOR HIM? OKAY WHATEVER. IF HE
CAN'T ACCEPT YOUR FRIENDS, WHO ARE A PART OF YOU BY THE
WAY, THEN HOW CAN HE ACCEPT YOU?

after she im'd me with the she should be acting older
anyways thing, i put my away message on. here's what it
says: "don't talk to me right now please. i can't handle
it. if you want me to hear what you think then email me.
i might talk later but not right now. have a nice night.
and don't apologize i'm not in the mood for that either.
just...let me be for right now. i'm really frustrated and
i don't want to be with anyone else. myself is enough"

then they both got upset cause i was ignoring them. no,
really i wasn't. i was trying not to go off on anyone and
that was the only way of doing it. i was mad at myself for
forgetting about practice, and they weren't helping things
at all. they were acting stupid and making me mad at them.
so i kept the message up and played boggle till dad said to
get offline.

then, this morning i got online and had an interesting
email from kelly. she's mad at me because she thinks i
wasn't telling her something last night and that's why i
put the away message on. umm...no. but she could never be
the cause of why i put something like that up, could she?
no never...

so here's my response to the email. i haven't sent my
response and i'm not going to. she knows i write in here
and she can read it if she really thinks.

i'm not sorry you asked for my help either. i tried to
help but you weren't listening. read what i wrote above.
and if you had asked how i was first then i would have told
you fine. because when i first said hey i was fine. and
then i was made to feel like CRAP. from you and cosper.

and believe it or not i DO tell you the important things.
the LITTLE things are important to me. i guess you just
don't see them that way. i guess they're STUPID
MEANINGLESS crap. and by the way you knew about the stuff
with dad before EVERYONE EXCEPT NEIL did. EVEN BEFORE
BRODIE.

brodie IS a lot closer to me than you are. ALL my close
guy friends are closer to me than my friends that are
girls. why? you GUYS are going to love this. guys listen
to me. yes, guys have selective listening, but BELIEVE me
girls have it too. and they use it MORE OFTEN than guys,
guys are just TOO NICE to call them out on it. why do guys
listen to me more than girls? because they CARE and they
know they should PROVE that. girls think it should JUST BE
UNDERSTOOD. umm...no. guys ask how i am and REALLY want
to know. they aren't asking just to see if i'm in a mood
for THEM to talk to ME. they listen to me, REALLY listen.
and they ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTANED the best they can. while
girls try to come up with a STORY TO BEAT MINE.

also, i can TRUST my close guy friends. no, i'm NOT a
trusting person. cause i've had that thrown in my face a
few too many times. i AM secretive. because that's HOW I
DEAL with things. if i NEED to talk, i talk. otherwise,
my response is i'll be fine and YOU of ALL people should
know that with HOW MANY TIMES i've said it before. but my
guy friends DON'T PRESS me to talk. they know i WILL WHEN
I NEED TO. they know WHEN I NEED TO and will make me IF i
don't think i need to. the thing is, THEY trust ME. AND
they're forgiving. i KNOW that i am talked about by my
friends that are girls. i know WHEN i have been. in being
secretive, AT LEAST I'VE LEARNED HOW TO KEEP A SECRET.

my guy friends don't keep track of when i've messed up. i
apologize and they ACCEPT it and FORGET about it. i do the
same for them. but girls have an INVISIBLE LIST on which
they write down every EVERY SINGLE THING to call up for
later. don't believe me? ask ANY guy who's ever been in a
fight with a girl. because my guy friends treat me like
this, i do the same for them. EVERY SINGLE DAY is a day to
PROVE YOURSELF to a friend. whenever i need something, i
call on them because i know they will listen TO EVERYTHING,
NOT just my WORDS. they WON'T TALK OVER my silent
screams. yes, they'll change the subject...to get me
talking. and then they'll change it back so i'll tell
them. they WON'T INTERRUPT me and they WPN'T LET ME WALK
AWAY from them UNLESS i need to. and they PAY ATTENTION.
that's the key. they pay attention.

i'm glad you tell me everything, kelly. despite this, i
hope you continue to do so. maybe that doesn't seem fair,
but let me tell you something. i will still listen. i
will always listen. that's what i'm here for. i won't
apologize for being secretive. i don't give all of me away
because then what do i have left if everyone leaves? i
hate that i don't trust many people, but i've had that
trust thrown in my face too many times without it being
proven that it could be restored. and you're crushed? let
me tell you something else.

i HATE being looked down upon because i am younger than
you. last i checked, age had NOTHING to do with maturity.
i HATE being treated like you're better than me. you do
it. BELIEVE me you do it. no, not when it's just us, but
when we're in front of other people, you'd do almost
anything to make yourself look better. INCLUDING using
things you know about people against them. it's one thing
to do that with just that other person. it's another to do
it in front of a whole bunch of people. especially ones
that other people don't know. DON'T think you do this?
think about the trip to pendleton. the whole trip. how
was i treated. AND if you STILL don't believe me, ask the
other people who went on it what they saw. and tell them
to STOP sugar coating things.

i am sorry if you're hurt. i really am. but i'm TIRED of
being constantly thrown up against a wall EVERY time i turn
around. if you want my advice, ask for it. and listen.
if you don't really want to hear it, don't ask. if you
want to know what's wrong, PROVE that you can listen
without JUDGING and without REMEMBERING UNLESS I NEES YOU
TO. STOP thinking that it's everyone else's fault and take
some responsibility.

final thought: i'm tired of being hurt. i'm tired of being
yelled at. i'm tired of finding walls all around me and
then being cast into those walls. i'm tired of being
judged. i'm tired of being treated like i'm expendable.
i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired...and i still can't
sleep.