MLCG

Tuesday, July 24th

He brought me a half dozen red roses last night after work,
because he said he knew I was having a rough day yesterday
with all that was going on (the boys leaving and the DNA
test). I had been dropping hints for a while about
flowers, but I really wanted them delivered to work, but oh
well, I guess I should just be happy he brought me some.

He thinks the hard part is over because he went and got the
test done, but really the hard part for me is just
beginning, I have to wait these possibly 4 agonizing weeks
to find out the results and then plan my life from there.
He was complaining about the money we have lost on failed
adoption attempts, what about the money he has cost us
already for one night of fun and could cost us for the next
18 years. It has already cost $800 for the attorney and he
hasn't done anything other than turn the names over to
Publi Aid, and show up at court. Hubby is saying if it is
his he is going to get full custody, I can only imagine how
much that will cost. Plus, it will be another horrible
experience, him saying she is an unfit mother and her
saying things about us. I guess it is possible there could
still be charges filed by her family against him. I am not
sure. I am tired of living with this day in and day out, I
was hoping the test would be back before our divorce court
date, but I guess that isn't going to happen.

I am just so afraid our son is going to hear about this and
him and his 10 year old logic will say "Why did you do
that, and how did you make a baby?". He will be destroyed
knowing that we were his family and that his dad went and
made a family with his former babysitter. This could ruin
him for the rest of his life. Hubby wants me to go spend
time with his family this Friday for his aunt's birthday,
and I really don't want to, I know exactly how they are
goign to act if we do end up getting divorced--it will be
all my fault, which it is not. I want to make a deal with
him that I will go if he tells all of them what he has done
and that we may get divorced and if we do it will be all
his fault. I want him to be embarrassed and humilated like
I feel, and have felt since all this started. I want him
to feel the pain I have felt, I want him to hurt like he
has hurt me. I know that sounds very revengeful and I
don't want to be that way, but I feel like he has given me
no option.