poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-09-16 20:45:19 (UTC)

Sunday afternoon

I realize that things could be much much worse ...
nevertheless, I'm just trying to stay in the moment right
now because if I venture off anywhere else - be it the past
or the future - then I just want to cry or scream or both.
And I know I have to maintain some semblance of
normality/sanity for the sake of being a mom and not taking
all my anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger and total sense
of confusion out on my daughter because none of this is her
fault.

So I've lost my job ... and my relationship of 9 years with
the only man I ever truly loved is over ... SO WHAT! Life
goes on ... the world keeps turning and in 10 years from
now I'll look back on all this and laugh ... HAHHAHHA, WHY
WAIT, I'M LAUGHING NOW ... WEEHHHEEE I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN
I COULD JUST DIE! Ok .... ok ... enough sarcasm ... I just
had to let it all out someway or other ... nevertheless ...
my heart remains heavy as if made of stone and I feel as if
a huge boulder is sitting on my chest making it so hard to
breathe or even want to breathe ... but I have to do ...
for my daughter. I have to ...

I'm sorry I'm not much cheerier right now ... I'm really
trying to remain positive, but I know the worst of the pain
is yet to come because I'm still in shock for the most
part. There I go again, venturing off into
tomorrow ... 'mustn't do that ... must stay in the NOW ...

well, got laundry to do ... so I'll sign off for a while

Oh, before I go ... I must write down my list of
accomplishments for the day:

1. Took Chantelle to the clinic for her Hepatitis A/B shots
2. Mailed Gen's birthday present

I also took Chantelle to Lulu's for lunch (not too
impressed by my order selection, but the ice tea was good
and it was fun just spending the afternoon with
Chantelle). I bought another skirt and shirt for work as
well. Money's dwindling again ... I've got to be
careful ...

ok ... off to file for unemployment via this wonderful
method of technology and then I'm going to do the wash and
then I have a market research this afternoon at 5:00 ($30!
every penny counts!)

GOD PLEASE CONTINUE TO GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE
THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I
CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ... THANK YOU AND
AMEN

ciao for now




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