My Heart and Soul....
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2002-09-16 20:03:33 (UTC)

The Past...

Don't you hate how a certain time or place is always
engraved in your mind??? That bothers me. And this is one of
those times. Autum, Homecoming...

It really makes me sad. Cause something about this time of
year just reminds me of the guys in my life that have since
moved on...

An old, "friend" and I use the term with reserve, since I
think that relationship is still pretty uneven territory,
but anyway...he asked me if I was happy. I was at a loss for
words. It's not that I'm unhappy---I'm just not exactly
overly joyful. Come to think of it, I haven't been in a
really long time. I can't put a finge on why. When I step
back and look at myself, I see that I am becoming just what
I've always wanted. I'm (hopefully) going to Florida State,
a dream since I was 12. I've found my niche with
International Law, doing what I love. I'm closer than ever
to most of my friends. My classes are all great, and I have
the potential to do so GREAT. But something is missing.
Because in my whole picture perfect life, there was always
that someone to share that happiness with. Someone to call
me at the end of the day, just to tell me they loved me.
Someone I could call when I had a bad day at work, or
school. Someone to hold me at night, and wake up to in the
morning. And call me crazy for being unhappy, because of the
lack of that. But I am one of those people who needs that in
my life. And sometimes in the past, I've been so close. But
I just can't succeed in keeping a healthy relationship.

AND...old ghosts haunt me all the time. I haven't gone one
night in the last 3 months without having a dream about one
of my ex's. I wake up in the morning, and have to seperate
dream from reality. And I think living that other life just
makes facing solidariity even more difficult. Because I
close my eyes, and see what I could have had.

It kills me. And I hope I can be strong. It's just hard
sometimes. It seems like life itself is a constant reminder
of everything that has slipped through my fingers.

However...I was thinking today that I need to do some work
to fortify my relationship with God. I think lately I've
been doing a little to much questioning, and not enough
listening. So, I will spend the next few days focusing
myself on reconnecting with the Lord. And I am sure that I
will find guidance.

Keep in touch...



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