Sabraum

RedHawke's Cry
2002-09-16 06:32:41 (UTC)

Depression

Sometimes I get so sad I cry and there's no reason just me
feeling sorry for myself but even though I know this I
still do it. I'm afraid if I go to a shrink they'll commit
me.

I need love, not in the same way everyone else is supposed
to I mean I need the kind of desperate complete love that
true love is supposed to be I know I'll never find it.
With each passing day I think I should leave my husband,
I'll go live with my family again and never marry
again...maybe I should be a lesbian. I know women aren't
any easier Katie broke my heart moved away didn't say
goodbye the same with Lori at least I deserved it from
Lori I hurt her first.

This pretty tiny blonde girl hit on me last night and it
made me happy, happy that someone thought I was nice
enough looking to waste the time on...Amy and I flirt but
it's all fun and games.

I haven't talked to Doug in almost a week. I miss him and
it hurts. I hate being hurt by everyone...everyone and
their mother hurts me whether they mean to or not. I can
dish it out but I can't take it. I hate who I am.

I fall for people and maybe in the beginning they feel the
same way then I scare them off and they want to be friends
so I agree but I'm so jealous and sad that they can forget
their feelings so easily that these evil feelings come out
in little snip-its, cutting away till these people don't
even want to be friends with me. I'm as vain and petty as
everyone else in the world I guess.

I can't get divorced I don't want to be like my mother.

I could just die it would be easier and I think my family
would take care of Aaron. I love him but I'm dying
mentally we have nothing important to talk about we don't
discuss anything interesting...I'm bored and alone because
we've grown in the 4 years we've been together. We've
grown differently and so we've grown apart. The man I
moved in with was in love with me and wanted to be with me
every day now he wants to have his own friends to do stuff
with well so do I. We don't even like to do leisurely
stuff together and our love life is not the best...
I could live without good sex if other things were better
but they're not.

I hate everything that my life is becoming. I think I'm
becoming like the other women in my family stuck in
marriages that don't make us happy but too afraid to leave
them. I don't want to hurt him but I'm afraid I'll hurt
myself.


Cerridwen please guide me.
Brigit aide me.
Great Father protect me.
I give of myself to the winds of change
I ask only for goodness and light
Guardians of the watchtowers make thy will known
So mote it be.
@--;--'----




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